Dreamilicious

2011-09-05T01:08:00.002+08:00

Jaded.

It's only Week 5 of the semester and I'm already feeling worn out. I feel I'm like a reading machine. And I'm not a master at reading, at times, I actually loathe it. I think I'm still feeling the effects of INSTEP actually. It's not school. Of course, I mean, school does definitely play a part in wearing me out, but not this worn out. It feels like my whole world's tumbling down, and I couldn't, I just couldn't pick myself up this time.

It's so tough. Really, it is.

Just can't contain the sadness

2011-08-27T22:22:00.002+08:00

INSTEP Rejection

Well..I guess I was really stupid. I didn't consult Dawn before submitting my choices and actually thought I might get a shot at the 5 vacancies out of 24 applicants. Well, technically, I didn't know there'd be 24 applicants and that San Diego State Uni. was that popular. I submitted early instead of waiting at the last hour like I did the last time around. And here I am. Without any placements, my plans are foiled. I can't go anywhere anymore. Is it really that I have to be stucked in ntu?

I remember having to dream about studying in a whole different environment. Out of the Singapore education system. Hanging out in the libraries of just amazing architectures..eating at the cafeteria while reading..or writing. or just simply blogging about how beautiful school would be (in contrast to how I might depict in a Singapore school - maybe I've just been here for too long that I stop learning how to appreciate) Anyhow, I just really wish to get out for awhile but God isn't answering my prayers..and I'm really really dejected. It just strucked me, how stupid I could get. really really stupid. I haven't had much regrets in my life yet, and this is one of the very regretful decisions I've ever made.

So ever since, I've been stress eating. sigh. I thought I made it through, really. I thought.

2011-04-21T07:22:00.002+08:00

Losing the ability to write.

Well, maybe I never had the capability to write. I was just talking about how much I adore but hateful of the same thing - what I termed as the 'intangible stuff'. The qualities/abilities that you acquire in the form of imagination. And I'm at awe because of its vast array of choices to express, yet at the same time you're bounded by infinity. Sometimes, no choice is a good choice. So, anyway, to give an example, drawing/painting is one of these intangible stuff. Writing is another. At some point of time, I'd rather do Physics or Chemistry because the theories, although not absolute (we have no absolute truth in this world) are fixed and follows a certain logic. The knowledge can be, in a way, possessed. I was at Equinox Restaurant when I was discussing and giving some random thoughts about it, because the 70th floor view was renowned but yet at the same time, evoked some kind of rejection in me. Indeed, and of course, I appreciated the view from above, but the view was so temporary and passing. They don't last. And my mechanism of defence is to reject to be at awe of it, so I don't lust for the view again. (which isn't in my possession and never will be) maybe I'm just possessive..and insecure. haha.

Now you know why writing an essay is a huge headache for me. Because I can never perfect an essay, and I think my essays will never be good enough for submission. Science and Maths are on the extreme opposite. You CAN get full marks for a Maths paper, but not one for an essay. Precisely due to the varying subjectivities between markers and people. People are subjectivity personified. A perfect essay, therefore, is inherently contradicting. oh, haven't I ranted enough?

School's a chore. It has always been a chore at this period of the semester. Still feel voided. It's funny. maybe...maybe I'm just weird.

2011-04-03T13:18:00.003+08:00

Okay. I had a crazy week, that has just passed followed by another few crazy weeks ahead and it's to final exams. How time really flies. Really. Just some updates:

Kaixin's Wedding
I went last minute shopping(really last minute) on Friday, yes, just the day before the actual wedding to get all the night gown, heels and all the likes. It was a tiring day, we spent 8 hours at orchard swarming around, crashing our brains to think of maximising our limited budget(but we still exceeded anyway). But oh well, it was worth the money definitely for a best bud's wedding. ;) I just have to scrimp a little bit for the rest of the months, I am excused, I am a student! And it isn't that bad scrimping, it compels me to cut a little fat food.

The Morning Gate Crashing
Anyway, it was 630am at Kaixin's house on Saturday morning, oh gosh I'm sorry I was really that late! Prepared the props for the games and getting ready for the start of the day. Really really excited. I was glad, happy, excited and of all, wished the best that could ever be for one of my bestest friends. I caught a few glimpses of the pretty bride(I was really walking around the house panicking), and to some moments, almost teared. JUST LOVE WEDDINGS. And soon, about 7am, the groom and brothers came. We made David shout at the top of his lungs at the ground floor to Kaixin's room an oath that he promised by to take the utmost care for Kaixin for the rest of her life. And then the games proceeded. It wasn't challenging at all, URGH, should've prepared better games. but it's okay, I made David sing on impromptu and he looked stressed(at least) HAHA. With much attempt at the door, trying to recall any love songs that he could come up with, the groom finally gotten the bride with a "很吵啊!" by Kaixin. HAHAHA.

Tea ceremonies and Marina Barrage Photoshoot
We went to both houses to witness the tea ceremonies, it wasn't my first time being a sister, but every time the refreshing feeling comes when I witness every phase of the Chinese wedding tradition. And never failed to be really touched. After which we proceeded to Marina Barrage for photoshoot and it was just rushing back to hotel and I would need to rush down to Fareast for hair and make-up already.

Marina Mandarin
So I got all ready and was 40mins late. Gees. I'm sorry. It just wasn't enough time for me to do everything in time really. Came back, and at the first sight of my "new" look, the brothers commented i looked 10 years older. What an expensive remark. haha. I was reading and rehearsing on the script for the later dinner for emcee-ing. Still really excited although I only had barely 2 hours of sleep (and Cassandra had none). We waited till about 830pm before the dinner started and the course for the night was awesome! ABALONE FTW. seriously. Also, it was really nice seeing the old netball girls for a little catchup.

Overall the whole day was a blast. I just felt bad not being able to perfect the wedding for Kaixin, as I thought I could've done more for her. I should make it up. Other than that, it was a blast, and I'm so glad she's found her bliss. for a lifetime. ;)

2011-03-23T21:10:00.002+08:00

I thought blogging is a good way to vent my inner thoughts, or frustrations for this case. I've got Statistics test tomorrow and I only started studying this afternoon. Catching no balls at all. Can't understand. Had always been bad at math since young! Just can't seem to see the logic behind Mathematics seriously. URGH.

On the side note, Kaixin's wedding is coming on Saturday! And I'm gonna be emcee-cum-sister for her wedding. EXCITED! Yet bored down by stupid midterms and tests and datelines. I really really think that learning is hugely impeded by exams and time constraints. They bore learning. I'm such a conflict theorist supporter.

Can't seem to lose anymore weight. I've been eating little, erm, but a lot of biscuits. I think biscuits are really high in calories, and the worst is they don't fill you so you kinda eat more. So instead of losing weight by eating less, I'm gaining more weight. Because I'm consuming much more calories. EEEeEEks. dislikes.

Anyway, Siewsiew's 21ST chalet celebration was a blast! I will post more about it the next post. For now, I think I'm gonna log off and watch some tv. Can't understand statistics no more.

2010-12-05T17:03:00.002+08:00

I caught 'Chronicles of the Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader' 3D thanks to having some free tickets. The story plot was predictable but the sceneries, artificial to some extent, still, are breath-taking. Makes me all the more wanna go to for exchange! To anywhere, just not here. anymore.

It's less than a week to the first paper, and then less than a week again to the end of the exams. It's fking scary, when I don't feel confident. Sociology is indeed a hard subject. An intellectual one, more precisely. Ugh. Again again, grades are just subjective measurement of my ability!

I can't churn out anything to write anymore. my mind, is void of meaning. filled only with, exams. urgh. what a deterrence to real thinking.

2010-11-22T19:37:00.002+08:00

i think i need to change a layout again. to a more masculine one. this is seemingly too girly for me, ironically, at this point of time. i'm feelin girly.

what can i say more. exams are around the corner. i guess i wouldn't feel this stressed if im studyin for math or sciences now. urgh. but i guess thats always the case. when im studyin sciences, i rant abt why am i not doing arts.

my contact lenses are freakin dry. i shud go get a new pair. that hydrates. feel like going for a run. feel like out of time. sigh.

2010-11-05T23:08:00.003+08:00

seems like blogging is the only way out now to vent my frustrations over my somewhat 'stupidity' and 'inspiration-less' for producing an educational essay(literally) and provide an analysis for another project dued next week. (Both are dued next week) I hate to say this but: I AM STRESSED OUT.

The immense pressure is deterring me to do anything productive. or think anything productive. seems like i'm a self-contained dichotomy of myself: why am i under such great pressure when i kept reminding myself that education is supposed to be enriching and fulfilling? In addition, Prof Kwok's lecture on Weber's idealism is supposed to spur me on, and to perceive my work as a 'calling' instead of lamenting it. Well..I do enjoy reading Sociology. I just hate the tests and assignments that are GRADED. I guess my socialization of always striving to get good grades so i don't 'fall behind the society' is far too strong to be countered within a few days(or a lecture).

Uhhhh. Well anyway, I'm just gonna update what I can think of about what I have been doing.

Yes, I caught 'The Social Network'. Still not inspired to know how to code and programme. Just thought that facebook was a brilliant idea. And sparked off a thought in me: that albeit the seemingly saturation of ideas this world already has, new ideas evolve unstoppably. and noticeably, they all occur in the realm of technology. The iPhone is one perfect example of a New Age of Technology. The applications on the iPhone are that extensive that we no longer need anything else other than the iPhone.(even the NIV Bible is an application now). Facebook, on the other hand, has become so addictive one seems not to be able to live without it. in another sense. uncontrollably always driven to know what your friends have been doing and if your friends are looking at what you are doing as well. is it a reflection of our increasing individualization? i don't know. it's too complex to be thought of right at the moment. well, when we are so consumed in our own race in competing who gets the latest gadget, sometimes it's good to take a step back and reflect what is it that I want in life.

And I am glad I read the book 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert when I first came to know the book through the Oprah show somewhere last year. It's a book that takes you away from the hectic life and gets you thinking about what is the meaning of (your) life? The book now has been turned into a movie starring Julia Roberts:

I would say the movie isn't as good as the book. But the sceneries were great. Italy was charming. The pizza and pasta and just the architecture of Italy would charm one. Guilty enough, I was watching the movie with a whole load of my brain thinking about the theories I could use in explicating educational similarities and differences between the UK and Singapore. I was outright doing injustice to the movie man. SIGH. But ok ok, I know I need to get my mind right again - it's an assignment to show what have I learnt. only. grades are subjective measurements of my own capabilities. yes.

Okay, ranted enough. all aside, i hope everyone's good. good night.

2010-05-18T02:45:00.002+08:00

I went to the SPCA on friday. The kittens were cute. And one of the bunnies there looked cute too(except that it hops). I tried to get near to one of the ginormous dogs, trying to get friendly, but all I got in return was loud barking which frightened me like shit. And then I saw this shitzu which looked badly abused and abandoned, which was really sad. In its eyes when it came closer to the bars, I could see his desire to get adored and doted on once again, like it was before.

Overall, friday went well. I went running with liyun in the evening. Had a really fruitful day. I overcomed my fear of 8 months, and finally plucked the courage to do it. And fortunately, it went really pretty well(to me at least). Went running and had sakae sushi as really late dinner at about 9pm. Oh how I adore days like this. where I could live such carefree life without worrying preparing for tutorials and lectures the next day. Although I don't prepare much in the normal days..but the load of grading always remains. so I'm glad I get to do this once in a while..Results are out on the 27th May, I reckon that I have to go through this for another six times, wonder if my heart could take that anticipation long enough. I thought education was meant to be fruitful? I've ranted so much about this I decided I should stop, and if I were to be a mentor one day, I'd never do like how the system works.

Saturday I played mahjong overnight at friend's friend's house. I lost $10, thankfully because I was losing a hell lot in the first half. The luck was certainly lacking. We literally played till dawn. After which we went to have breakfast and it was straight sleep from 10am to 6pm. It was really really tiring, I don't think playing overnight mahjong is a good idea anymore.

I am still watching 'Glee', it's a damn awesome show. Everyone should watch it. Lol.

Well other than all I've been doing, I've been reading up on Plato, and all aside, I'm looking forward to Cassandra's 21st celebration! ;)

2010-05-14T01:29:00.002+08:00

Aye.. I realised I really haven't blogged for so long, especially when Cass reminded me of it. So, I think I should come back to blogging, and record down the thoughts of a particular time so I could look back someday(and maybe laugh or cry at them).

It's been a hell lot going on in my life since the last time I blogged(about Chinese New Year). Firstly, sem 2 is over. And which (hopefully)marks the end of my year 1. So I could move on to do greater things and be more motivated. Haha. I know some people would think 'not again'. But oh well, I really am gonna try hard!

Then, the other more significant event is my BEST GOOOD GOOD BEST FRIEND KAIXIN is married last saturday! She looked really blissful, and I'm glad for her. And I definitely wish her all the best. For whatever times of trouble she may face, I know I'm as ready for her as she was for me. I'm grateful and thankful I have friends like this, who stand by me when I was at my lowest and darkest of my life. I will never forget how I pulled through the ordeal with the support of friends like this.

The other thing I want to talk about is the movie I watched today: Ip Man 2. At some point of the movie, I was imagining about a lot of things, primarily triggered by some of the scenes in the show. And other than the fanciful moves of the Chinese martial arts, I admired the strong essence brought out in the show; about the rich Chinese culture that takes a lifetime and beyond to discover and interpret. And then I thought about Benedict Anderson's widely disputed 'Imagined Communities' where he wrote about everyone feels belonged to a certain community, even though they don't know each and every one in that community. This perfectly depicts the scene where Hong died for the dignity of the Chinese martial arts, a place where he feel belonged to. To me, it was more of protecting the pride of Chinese more than martial arts. I can't help but feel a sense of belonging in the middle of the show, watching and figured some kind of similarities I shared in common with the characters in the movie. This movie is not just about the preservation of Chinese martial arts, to me, it is really meaningful and amazingly, I actually felt a sense of pride after watching the show. It's a great show that encompassess all the attitudes and culture of the Chinese, a must-watch really.

Ip Man 2 aside, I should really get some sleep now for tomorrow.....I wish everything goes well.

With love.

2010-02-16T03:18:00.003+08:00

I haven't blogged for such a long time, and only choose to do it on 初二 of the Chinese New Year. But this year is definitely better than the previous few years, considering that I've lost some weight to look last-minute okay, enhanced by unskilful make-up. But I can't help but still feeling down over some issue, I think I will take a long time to heal, I imagine how long you'd to take - inifinity.

It leads me to rethink about life - why am I studying for - is it merely for the 4.8(GPA)? Is life just about studying and being pretty? I used to be a little mouse with a tiny voice; never dared to show my thoughts. - but I thought about it: I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Life is short and so unpredictable. I want to express the things I want to. And do the things that I want to. So and not to do the things that I don't want to - despite the huge influence of peer pressure. Peer pressure is a killer. I don't wanna succumb to it anymore.(not in the bad way of course - it has its merits) but most of all, not to envy nor despise on anyone based on their attributions; ascribed traits.

Sem 2 is a huge disaster. I can't keep up with the readings(especially I hate tiny words) and I can't understand most of the time in lessons. Yet I don't dare to voice out because I don't think I am an A student with great potential in writing or thinking. But I still love the works of many philosophers and history and of course sociologists, and even geography. So, I am not giving up just because of these little barriers. I will move on because I know life is far greater than this.

I slept the whole day today, that explains why I'm still not in bed now. I feel stressed. And I can't stop eating. It's unhealthy but I'm still figuring a way out to combat it. I know everyone's stressed out, sighs.

In short, Chinese New Year has come to more or less a conclusion. Nothing outstanding from the past, except that everyone seems grown up now, and the young kids are no longer happy. We missed the days we sweated and panted while playing block catching, and we floated(literally) on the Sentosa beach - in our utopia, there wasn't sadness, there were only play and fun. We reminisced the days.

2009-12-17T02:34:00.002+08:00

Life's been so hasty these days!

I haven't really taken a breath since the end of exams. I came back from Desaru, Malaysia not too long ago(god it seems like just yesterday though) and had fun! The company was great, the scenery was just amazing and I almost enjoyed every moment of time spent there, cutting out all the unhappiness that resides in me since long time ago: oh, maybe, add in the romance that was lacking.

Results are coming out soon, and I literally pray I don't have to retake any modules. Especially the cores and pre-requisite! I'm feeling so damn tired and just simply lacking of rest because this holidays is just too short for any rest! It is to maximise fun. And, I haven't had the energy to go for any WSC's events. Feeling guilty. Yet, helpless.

I hope I'm becoming stronger these days..although I'm still feeling weak. Inside out. Wanna do so many things in this holidays. And my money is flowing out of my pocket like a river. ;\

I wanna sleep now.

Talk tomorrow.

2009-10-28T13:45:00.002+08:00

I have the sudden urge to blog.

Usually I am not the religious-type of blogger, I blog for reasons. And specifically down to 2 reasons: either I am happy with my life or I am utterly stressed. Guess which is. yes,you're probably right. I'm stressed.

I ought to be doing my tutorials and studying for the upcoming exams now, instead of blogging. Yet the dizzy spells and restlessness are preventing me to do so. Oh, maybe add in the messiness. I can't think. I can't write. I don't know the directions of my essays. And the readings are piling up they look so intimidating. Yet I don't wanna give up my love for Humanities'. I really really ought to be reading my articles. Instead of a book. The book that I gave up Obama's - for Gladwell's - Outliers. It's a fantastic book so far, I want to finish it by the end of the week. - to be inspired enough to gear up for the exams.

Anyway, studies aside. Socializing is something so unattainable. My skin is peeling. and my weight doesn't go down anymore. My face still puffs up. ravished. beauty. - I owe it to Mead and Goffman - helped me to understand the way I feel and assured me that it is okay to feel so. It is normal. Everybody would have felt the same. I know - yet I don't dare to show.

Not getting the perfection i want - i drift away from love. i talked to someone i have known for a long time - more than a decade long. we talked. we reminisced. we relived. we laughed. we realised. we grown up. we changed. but those memories don't change. i'm glad.

i'm starting to like the writing classes.
From the son:
"no mon.no fun.your son."
From the dad:
"too bad.so sad.your dad"

it shows how powerful words are. and so does language is. and humans are born to be linguistic animals - the process of construction. which again drives me to take Spanish the next sem - Spanish drives me crazy. ;D

2009-08-31T18:20:00.002+08:00

I should be camping at the HSS Library or at least the Internet for research now, instead of chatting online with my ever good friends that understand mutually about my condition. The people I always feel comfortable talking with. This leads me to agreeing that relationships need a long time to build indeed.

Anyway, I shouldn't be feeling this stressed about wednesday's presentation. It's my first year only, I have a long way to go and to learn. Why do I feel like my whole world's crashing down just merely over this trivial challenge? I NEED TO RELAX. Just that I hate it when it's a group work, beceause I feel indebted to my partner when I don't give my all and especially when she does. Jeez. ;\

Well, I'll keep things short since my life is rather simple now: Health,School and Home. I just hope I can manage them well.

2009-08-21T01:42:00.002+08:00

I had my very first tutorials of the week.

Lessons are very much conducted vocally, and questions raised are really out of the norm. Intellectually challenging. And..I really don't have the confidence to speak up. Maybe because I very much know that I'm such an ugly freak now. And I still go back to the belief that the first impression counts on one's looks, and that's reality.

Well,anyway,back to talking about Sociology tutorials:

I kinda like the lessons although I must frankly admit, that classes are extremely stressful because you'd have to be fast in thinking and very outspoken. They kinda expect you to do presentations at any point of time and probably, expect you to do it well. Probably, I'm not a speaker. Thinking of that is demoralizing...so I must stay really strong to pull through uni life.

One day if I stop talking about my passion and interests for Sociology, it maybe of the following reasons:

1)I can't be critical enough and also, fast enough in thinking to be able to present my ideas well at the moment the question is raised.

2) Tutors are themselves demoralizing. I know right at the start of my academic life that I just cannot deal with teachers that do not choose their words wisely and maybe, unintentionally hurt some others without even knowing. I always feel that teachers should be sensitive.

3) I just am not pretty enough.

And these are reality. - so why make the reality as what everyone would think of - hateful and cruel.

2009-08-06T01:50:00.002+08:00

I came back from UOC and Hall Camp already, both camps that I did not complete.

It's only after 2 camps I realised Cushing's is still the ultimate nemesis that put me down; my self-esteem,my confidence,and everything that prohibited me from being sociable. I shouldn't even join camps. This messed up body is horrendous. Falling down during the camp gave me another indication - that I really could no longer run. I used to defy the truth, but now the truth is proving itself right. And I failed; terribly; making a complete fool of myself.

I think I almost broke down again. I can't remember the last time I was fit - to run a mere 2.4km. I could no longer train. My limbs are failing me. And every minute I just get more lost than ever, I just want to quit.

It's only about Cushing's I can rant so much about. What happen to the other areas of my life? I hate Cushing's!

2009-07-16T00:34:00.003+08:00

Uh. Did I mention I went to Bei Jing Tong Ren Tang(The Chinese Medicine) and..finally decided to take a try on chinese medicine this time. ya - amidst everything - in the middle of treating with gammaknife that doesn't know when that will take effect, watching and waiting and monitering like the days never gonna end. The chinese medicine is no doubt legendary bitter. but I couldn't care less if it really can do some help to this messed up body.

Anyway, I'm going off for UOC Camp from 25th July to 1st Aug! ;)

As usual, I still am sleeping a lot. and sleeping late at night. no,morning instead. I have been sleeping at about from the time range of 4am - 6am for this past month now and my dark eye circles are horrifying. prior to the ugly pimples and blemishes on my face, I have this pair of really horrible dark eye circles.

I don't know why I aint sleeping. My mood swings are back. Like Cushing's started. sighs.

Gonna try to slp now..some really cute photo to end this post(she took it herself):

goodnight!

2009-07-10T00:21:00.003+08:00

I realised I haven't blogged for such a long time - so I've decided to re-live this blog. ;)

So many things have happened since I last blogged: such as Michael Jackson's sudden departure. I really am very sad for his leaving, it's like a legend that will never be re-lived again. As much controversies and commotions about him, I still believe he was a good man, a kind and generous example for anyone in the world. Michael Jackson has always donated to charities and always giving. I truly, truly respect him, just like many of us do. I believe.

Anyway, I haven't got any motivation to do anything yet. Has been slacking at home almost for one month now - I feel lousy. And fat. As usual. I have been eating really a lot that I don't even have the courage to weigh myself now. I wanted to run, only that my mind seems to be always deterred by the notion that the pain will come back and I feel lousy all over again. Totally defeated by it.

I feel that Cushing's is still haunting me; both on the inside and outside. Coupled by all the other problems that are surfacing, I am really crushed. Yet I've got no one to turn to. Really.

I know, I am weak again.

2009-06-14T03:47:00.003+08:00

Penning down some of the thoughts virtually.

I really hate myself at times - for being soft; for being weak; for being easily givin' in. And all these 'attributes' are accountable for a lot of unnecessary worries that have caused me thus far. Here I am - worryin' again. Hate it. I promise myself this is the last time I am gonna cause myself such worthless worries.

Aside from worrying,

I am going to PC Show with the relatives later in the day - last day of the PC Show. Hope to grab some good deals - hoping to get: an external harddisk and webcam within budget. I've been really spending a great deal recently and it is bad! I need to save up for the upcoming days in school - when I can't work and earn good money enough to spend(happily).

Speaking about school - I hope I am able to pull through the 4 years. Well, who knows, I may not be "pulling through" but instead "enjoying" the days in university. In just a blink of an eye, I am going to university. Of course, hoping all other diseases get away from me. I've been eating fruits these days! ;D

I really wish,pray and hope everything will go on smoothly. Lord, I really promise this would be my last time.

On a side note, I got a treat from Jane and PK from Reuters on my last day at ORQ! Thanks!! A photo to end the post:

2009-06-12T00:04:00.002+08:00

We talked these days. I was surprised, and at the same time amused by the change in him ever since that day. Never have I seen this side of him. Still, I find it hard to trust after 2 months of ___________. I don't know what to fill in the blank, so just spare me with that.

Anyway, I collected my cert and got the econs notes from Derek yesterday. Talked for awhile, I think this has been our longest conversation actually. ;\ So, really thankful for his concise and neat notes ;)

I slept a whole lot today and yesterday. I don't think I wanna carry on like that. ;\

2009-06-04T01:37:00.003+08:00

I finally did it. Although I know it's not gonna be so smooth, I'm glad I initiated it at least, to be accountable to myself, to everything that has happened.I'm sorry, it was really too much for me to take. Even until now, I still feel shivers thinking about the past.

Anyway, Hossan Leong is ultra cool. Watch this:

It's such iconic of Singapore. haha. pretty cool, really.

Anyway, I really would want to leave SingTel soon. Seriously. I'm having a real bad time. I really just want to leave. ;(

I want to leave the organisation, who brought me such miseries, that let me see an ugly sight of human behaviour as soon as possible. Utterly disappointed.

I talked to Tulip today over the MSN. I'm really glad she's still doing fine despite the adventurous nights she had for just a mere few months she talked to me about. Girl, take care of yourself and I'll see ya back soon! Time's gonna fly and we'll go for more sushi n sakura okay! I miss you babe!

I want to go back to think that this world, is not that cruel after all. Let me go back to that belief.

2009-05-29T03:36:00.003+08:00

I remember I once said I would not pass judgement on others anymore.

And I'm pretty proud that I lived up to what I have said - pretty consistently. Today, I reflect on what others have said about me and came to a conclusion: that we all fall short of our own imperfections - and so I do not blame anyone who have in a way judged others. Well..just always remember no one is perfect.

Probably I think I'd need to learn how to shut my gap. When you speak less, you make lesser mistakes. - giving other less chances to speak about you.

Anyway, I'm really glad I have a group of friends that are always behind me. The friends that I have been with for years and still going on strongly. Don't know why I'm feeling this wordfounded feeling. Yes, vocabulary-dumbfounded. It's a bad sign trying to put my feelings into words now. It seems my mind is drifting away...haven't really gotten any peace since...

Appt with Dr Eng on saturday. Feeling a lil' anxious.and..maybe slight anticipation.

Anyway, it is really late now. I need to go get some sleep before work tomorrow.

Goodnight!

2009-05-28T01:40:00.003+08:00

I think work has really taken a big toll on my health.

I've been feeling giddy at times, nauseous and fatigue most of the time. I feel like just handling over all the duties at once. Having another blood test tomorrow morning. Don't really feel like working for the rest of the day after blood test. Yet no money is rolling in, anyway, money has never rolled into my pocket ever since I started the on-site job. My transport fees are higher and working responsibilities are heavier than any other taking the same pay as me.

Anyway, forget it. I just want to rest as soon as possible. And I will forgo all other things that I should deserve. I don't voice out because it should be understood. Well, maybe not too. Okay, I said - forget it.

On a side note, I accepted NTU's offer. I think I should have ample rest before school starts. And..of course, hopefully the blood tests and all go well although I do not feel any significant physical changes in me as yet.

Can't imagine I'd be writing lengthy essays for the next 4 years. I love reading, but delivering my views on materials that I have read definitely - as what the prof said - is extremely intellectually challenging. I'm thinking to drop by the library these days to get myself prepared before school starts hectically. Excited..yet not excited as well. Education system in Singapore absolutely sends shivers down one's spine.

Ahhhh. I'm getting a little tired now. Gonna go sleep already. Gonna wake up really early tomorrow to take blood test!

2009-05-22T12:38:00.001+08:00

ADAM LAMBERT LOST...

KRIS ALLEN WON......

SHIT!

2009-05-20T23:39:00.000+08:00

Work is like f*ck today.

I am blown away by this:

Life sucks.

2009-05-20T00:29:00.003+08:00

I realised I haven't blogged for such a long time.

I realised how long I haven't dared to voice out. In everything. I have been living in such constant fear which I cannot comprehend why. Especially when I'm supposed to be in bliss instead. I feel really inferior. Whenever...(yes, I don't dare to voice out again).

Anyway, on the brighter side of life, I have been accepted into NTU Sociology. I braved through the interview and written test and finally, a dream came true. Bringing glory to my parents at last. Something for them amidst all the disappointments I have given. I am still waiting for news from SMU or NUS...neither came. A few more moments for me to think before embarking on a whole new life @ NTU ;D

I'm really tired and weary of work. I think I need a break soon.

Took the last blood test and it was 81. Dr Eng wants me to take another blood test next thursday and following an appointment with him on Saturday. Can't wait to know more news(better).

Met up with Cassandra and Hannah today. I had a great time. Haven't felt relieved for such a long time. And really glad to know that they are living their lives well. ;D

I'm cramping everything in such short sentences because so much has happened I don't know where to start; or stop. Immeasurable by words that I promise I'd update soon. And I'm really tired now. So...ciao!

2009-03-24T22:05:00.002+08:00

Haiya. I've decided to change the layout so simple. I guess I still like the fonts best. Anyway, it is the posts that make the whole blog alive isn't it ;P

Work has been so tiring I've procrastinated for so long to do the uni applications. However, I still PRAY and HOPE I get into NUS FASS. Of all courses, that is the only course I want to enter most! Please God! Give me some grace!

Apart from working and earning peanuts, I have been spending like waterfall. To find the best heels to no avail, looking for the right clothes for an oversized and still finding serenity within my soul. I should meditate someday. I can't seem to peace my mind with all that is on my mind. I want to do so many things! With limited time and finance.

Oh, on a lighter note, I've been working in Thomson Reuters ORQ and there's this really handsome British boss!! He often smiles at me too. Haha. So friendly! I guess that's their culture..So at least he's an entertainment to my eyes at there when I'm rotting.

Seldom take photos now. I ought to pack my table!

ciao!

2009-03-15T22:59:00.006+08:00

Oh god. This must be a really lengthy post. I haven't updated for such a long time! And it would be lengthy because there are really so much to update about.

I went to my first roadshow at work. A picture speaks a thousand words:

Let me back date to 6th of March when I collected my results. It was a surprising moment, an elated feeling, beaming smiles about my GP grade. I didn't get fantastic results but given my condition and all the trauma I went through, I am contented with my grades. I got BCC, with a gp grade B. The WANBAO journalist/reporter interviewed me through the phone and my news article was featured on WANBAO on the night itself! You can go to this link: newsarticle to view what was it about if anyone is interested. ;) My name was called up by Ms Quek in the hall when teachers were optionally commenting on students that are commendable. haha. I smiled, although I did not get great results. But I really was, and am, proud of myself. I fought so hard against all odds no one could understand.I cut out the newspaper cutting for memory:

7th of March was Mommy's bday. We went to one of the restaurants located at Yishun and booked a VIP room. So there was good food, karaoke for everyone who love singing, and maybe some sad souls around. Daddy didn't even inform his family whom all he invited that it was Mommy's bday. So alright, I guess this could be one of her worst bdays as I didn't even get her a present nor a cake. Being busy is just an excuse, I was really plain lazy which equates to unfilial-ness. I should do something about it. Some photos to say it all:

Then I went to see Baby Jewel yesterday. She's so adorable!

2009-03-03T22:15:00.003+08:00

Work again today, with only 4 bucks left in my wallet. No more shopping for me. No more good food, I need to tighten my belt a little. Moreover, I always wanted to save and spend on my own expenses. I've spent way too much of my parents' money already. I must learn to be independent. I am already 20!

I can't help but feeling worried about friday. I'm so afraid I can't handle that disappointment again..What had happened to me I wonder. I was so confident..forget it. I've ranted enough I guess.

I miss this hairstyle. just one week ago.

2009-03-02T21:18:00.002+08:00

6th of March would be the release of "A" level results.

I realise I haven't been blogging any much of my thoughts recently. Work has made me such a weary person. Nonetheless, I still enjoy working rather than staying at home and be a full-time bum. I need to burn off those excess energy in me. Free from wild imaginations, from failed desires, from disappointments over and over again.

Now, here I am, at the cross junction again. No second chance for me if I fail this second time round. Nah, I should say no third chance for me. I recall the year 2008 was such a torment for me. I had no friends, no support, no strength coupled with the tremendous stress by school and I admit it has been the darkest time of my life yet. There was no hope, no light. My eyes drowned in tears every single night, silently, praying. I could not find any serenity in my soul, I even became to doubt myself. about everything. The thought of it..now, wrenches my heart, still. I fought hard against depression. Smiles on the outside, sorrows inside. I wept and am, still weeping.

I saw a Bible on Marie's table today. It gave me this strange sense of belonging and feeling, that God is calling me back. To His arms, his fortress. I need rest, my Lord. Would You still provide me?

Now I feel all tired and weary again. I dont know where I am heading, who can I go to, anymore.

2009-02-25T00:25:00.003+08:00

Inclusive of today, I have been working consecutively for 9 days now without a day of rest. I guess I'm gonna work full 12 days consecutively for this month. So tired, yet I can't submit my payslip to claim my salary because I can't find time for my manager to sign for my timesheet! ;(

Anyway, I am very happy when I'm at RC(Raffles City)'s counter. Because the neighbouring counters are very friendly and I made many good friends from Biotherm, Bobbi Brown, Khiel's, even also made friends with Shu Uemura and Elizabeth Arden workers. ;))) My own counter's co-workers and BAs and Counter Manager are also very patient and willing to teach me things that I was unsure of. ;DD Sales were relatively okay until today when I was stationed at Paragon, I really broke the record of hitting 0 sales. Tomorrow would be at Paragon Lobby Counter again. Hopefully I won't get 0 sales again.

Did I mention I cut bangs? Shit. It sucks. Trust me. I should've gone to Toni&Guy. I wonder what gave me the courage. ;\

Anyway I took blood test last week. Results were not very good but at least it made some minor improvement. Then I spoke to Dr Eng and he explained that maybe we should just wait and watch. what to do. We have all already done what could have been possibly done.

I'm tired now, blog some other day, goodnight!

2009-02-18T12:33:00.002+08:00

I'm at work now!

They banned Facebook in office liao! We have restricted hours to use Facebook or even the Internet I guess. Sian. Supposed to be my lunch hour but don't feel like eating so hence here I am blogging this spider-webbed blog.

To recap this week:

Work work work work work work. I had 6 days of work. Few at Singtel the rest at Lancome. Erm, I got no much entertainment besides work. Okay, I remember meeting up with Pricillia for Astons for dinner after work the day before Valentine's day. We had fun, I duped her to Coffeebean again and stayed there to continue our endless chats until about 11pm and we took MRT home. I think I literally collapsed on my bed after bathing with wet hair.

Following day was Valentine's day which I worked till 530pm, and caught 'Valkyrie' at night. The movie was not bad, Tom Cruise died. ;( Anyway, the show was about one of the failed assasinations of Hitler. A lot of politics and slashing language involved which some were too fast for me to catch, but overall, the show was ok-ok. I still want to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons. ;((

Oh, then I saw jiejie at Marina Square on vday. She looked so blur, haha, everytime I must call her loudly then she'll see me. Anyway, she and Ray and a room at Mandarin oriental nearby la. So good ;D

I think my dark eye circles are terrifying. I should do something about it. Ahhh. I need money to do a lot of things!

Gimme money!

2009-02-06T23:45:00.002+08:00

my inouvi metallic eyeshadow broke into pieces; many. ;((

so to recap what I have done for the past week(s), I am currently holding 2 part-time jobs. LANCOME counter isn't easy to handle either. I got a little bit swayed while working on the 2nd day to getting credit for serving a china customer when my colleague wrote the products under her memo, was feeling very guilty because afterall I'm supposed to help people and not get enticed by the sales target instead. So from now onwards, I am not gonna care about commission at all and try to help as many people as I can.

It's a whole lot to remember because I don't wanna give customers the wrong information and let them spend on such expensive products waste-less-ly. Still in the process of remembering and processing, both at LANCOME and Singtel. Challenging jobs that are draining almost all of my energy, well, at least it kinda distracts me from thinking and letting my imaginations run wild.

Little Jewel called me from her daddy's mobile while I was at work yesterday. So cute, I knew it was her because this isn't her first time calling me and didn't speak a word after I picked up the call, and it displayed my uncle's name.

I took a good look at myself in the mirror yesterday at the counter, mirrors are so unavoidable at counter sales. I look fat, plump, bloated and ugly. So I guess I'm still sick. I will be doing the 24hour urine cortisol test on Sunday, which I have stopped the suppression tablets for a month now already. I guess the 24hr urine cortisol test would be then very accurate compared to the last time.

I keep telling myself it's okay, be strong, things will be fine, sickness will go away, do not mind what others say about you being ugly now because you know you'd turn pretty one day. And I do believe so ;) I'm glad I have some good friends that stand by me, Hannah is full of sh*t, Liyun is just the go-along girl, Cassandra my childish-matured babygirl, my tpjc classmates Pric that is always busy but who cares for me, tulip who is flyin off tomor and I would miss her like mad, and so so so many others I wanna thank, I would be strong. I would live on, and I would learn how to fall in love all over again.

my table's in such an awful mess. I am really tired. I am working more than 10 hours on 2 of the days this week and others at least 8 hours. And way to go. Results coming out, I think i'm gonna faint again.

2009-01-30T23:11:00.002+08:00

Work,work,work. Work has made me both exhausted and fulfilled. At least it didnt make me feel like a bum when I was at home. Colleagues are very funny. I'm beginning to blend into the group; hopefully. haha. Food at the canteen is amazingly delicious. So far I have already tried Muslim food,porridge,western food and their desserts. And it's cheap. Like seriously, compared to outside.

Well anyway, can anyone tell me where to get black work pants and black 3/4 sleeved shirt ?!

2009-01-23T00:39:00.002+08:00

Work and meeting up with friends are what I have been doing for this week. Very busy. Time didn't pass as fast as I thought it would, I have got very very angry customers who specially called back to our hotline just to scold me, I also didn't get good remarks from my supervisor, so, not very easy job to do but luckily I have got some really good people around in my workplace. It always takes time to build relationships. So, yeah. Okay. I just have to be patient before passing judgment all too soon.

I met up with Liyun and hannah yesterday. Shopped awhile with Liyun and I helped her to choose a dress which she had never dared-try-wearing-kind-of-style. I'm glad she finally picked something. Hannah then walked at the speed of lightning to Taka all because she wanted to get a paper bag, and so Liyun and I tagged behind, trying hard to catch up. We had Pastamania for a definitely late dinner as I was bugging them to eat with me, haha.

And I met up with Cassandra today, hoping to pick some last minute clothes again. But as many shops as we had gone into for about 2 hours, she still didnt manage to get any dresses of her liking. We rested for awhile before we headed home by MRT. We had so much to talk about after a year of not seeing her la. haha. my such baby girl. ;)

Tomorrow having something on, can't make it to work. I hope the people there can handle the very angry customers. It's ANTM now, ciao!

2009-01-20T01:02:00.002+08:00

I'm blogging at this wee hour - but I have to.

Because I'm glad I finally met up with Cassandra after eons, together with Hannah. We met quite late but fruitful, sat and talked most of the time because my legs were aching so badly from walking with high heels almost half of the day. We didn't have any photos, it was quite a rush-y day for all of us, and tiring. haha. But it was definitely great meeting up with Cass, after sooooooo long of endless plannings. And so I hope we'd meet up more often ;D - of course, if time allows.

Anyway, on the side note, I started work already. Specifically, on friday. Thanks to Peipei who helped me find this high paying job at $8/hr at Singtel. It was quite a difficult job to do, but can be as monotonous if you have all the skills at your fingertips. So okay, gerald, stingrayyyyyyy!

I have got some really bad rashes on my face. Dunno why like that also. very sickening. the doctor's prescribed medicine doesn't seem to work at all. arghh.

Okay, I bought some books at gramophone warehouse sale today. they are really cheap. ranging from $5 - $24. Most of the books cost about $8 - $12 only. It's really worthwhile! And the promotion ends at 24th, so, if any of you are interested, you can drop by and get some good deals!

Really very tired already, haven't bought any new year clothes yet. I'm gonna goooooo slp liao and battle with my memory tomorrow at the company again!

2009-01-12T00:54:00.004+08:00

Okay. I have decided to use Blogger back. Because somebody reported to Blogger that my blog is a spam blog, I guess it's because of the re-directing initially. So alright, anyway I feel Blogger is still much more user-friendly.

Some updates.

I went back to secondary school, wanted to attend the annual Netball farewell gathering but expectedly, none of my batch went back. I didn't even get to see yiyong. But okay, it was nice to see hanzhi after soooooo long! such short hair she has. ;\ hope she's gettin stronger by the day! I finally saw Ms Heng, was quite guilty when yiyong they all called me up some time earlier to give her a bday surprise at her house but I lacked the utmost courage to face people at that time. Ms Heng also promoted to HOD room liao. haha. I'm so glad all the good teachers promoted to HOD ;D. And so she gave me a handmade mini bib with my name on it as a gift. So touched. ;) (Okay, she made for everyone else too. don't get jealous. haha) Although I'm not really close to Ms Heng personally as I was to other teachers, but I share a vague kind of mutual relationship with her, it's hard to explain. I won't forget the things she did for me, pouring me with gifts, visiting me at the hospital and made netball more than a sport, but a family. ;)

After which, I was hoping to see Mr. Joseph Tan because I promised him I would tell him in person about my condition than over the phone. I went into the Staff Room praying to see him(because I don't know where his table is/was), and so, God so faithfully answered my prayers. hahah. Happens that Mr Tan actually promoted to HOD liao! But he only came up to the Staff Room to look for a particular teacher and so I bumped into him! ;D So delighted. I explained to him my current medical condition and he expressed that kinda sadness he used to give me in sec 4.(I remember vividly, that kind would make someone cry). He was so afraid that I'd faint at morning assemblys when I went back to school a week after my operation. Back in those days, when I had to leave school for hospitals, I always needed his signature before I could leave even it was urgent and I was going to be late. Those office girls. I remmeber. At that time, I felt so useless and dependent so when I finally found him in one of classes he was teaching, I broke down infront of him. He got so furious(not with me but the office)he stormed to the office and expressed his anger in a form I would not disclose but in anyway, I thanked God that in desperate times, I actually got such a supportive teacher. We chatted for awhile while hanzhi was around too, but I guess both Mr Tan and I hav so much to share with each other that that short session we had would not be enough. I'm looking forward to seeing him when he gets a lil' more loosened up from his work!

And then, the next teacher I'd miss most seeing is Ms Yeow! I knew it wasn't too difficult for me to see her because following the netball gathering would be our 301/401'05 class gathering with her. And I'd definitely see her at the place, but I've decided to go with her to the venue since I saw a glance of her in school at about 6pm, and more time to catch up with each other. ;) She told me about her views on certain things in my life such as studies - that maybe I can consider other possibilities other than going to a private U and such. It was good opinion, definitely worth mulling it over. But ultimately, I would go for passion. (and that's when my heart broke when peipei told me her passion about art would not make a living for her) Anyway, Ms Yeow is a like a mentor to me, constantly expressing her concern for me through the years and never failed to update me about her latest overseas trips! oh gosh, I really want to visit Rome and Bali someday! \

I still remember back in sec 4 when cushing's was haunting me so badly, and I wanted to be part of the netball team, I knew I was selfish, we had a voting session to if I should be in the team due to my medical condition. Some of my teammates did not vote for me, some did. One stood by me strongly - kaixin. For this matter, I cried so badly. The next morning was Ms Yeow's chemistry class, and I was still brooding over the matter so I burst into tears while Ms Yeow was making announcements, as usual. She saw me and immediately she called me to the back of the lab which had some sofas and counselled me the whole period, leaving the class behind. I know I blabbered because I was crying so hard I was gasping for breath. I think I only mentioned "netball" and efficiently,I think Ms Yeow got Ms Heng and she appeared at my sight not long after. In fear, I kept on denying and refused to speak a word. I was really thankful to Ms Yeow that my selfishness that was undeserving of any concern that got her so worried - that she deserted the class.

Everybody in YCKSS was helping me. My most loving classmates, all my teachers, even Mdm Lim my chinese teacher helped me edited my chinese essay and it was selected to be published in the book, all the teachers who had expressed their concerns for me in any form, I guess the only person who might not know this matter is the Principal. hahaha. I'm so thankful and glad that I made it through Cushing's in sec 4 because of all their support. And nothing gold lasts.

I know I could've done way much better in "A" levels if not for Cushing's. I was pampered in secondary school. But I come to somehow believe that maybe God has allowed all these even in my second attempt at "A" levels because He has a greater plan for me. I come to realise that if one is focus only on one thing in life, and if that aspect in life has not done as well as what one has expected, then it would be devastating to that person. so why not diversify the talent? so when one door closes, another opens. someday, somehow, other aspects in life would get better.

Well okay, I know this is such a lengthy post. but I'd really wanna express my gratitude to all these people who had shown me that this world, is still full of love and compassion. I still look at the mirror and feel unsatisfied about how I look, but I am getting stronger by the day, when I saw others that carried on with their lives with smiles and laughters despite imperfections, I know I can do it too. I know, this would fight off Cushing's, someday, not far away. And it's the end now, I am going to read soon ;)

Some photos to end the post:

I know, the first photo was taken by shaky hands, it's just hard to master the technique. But I did ;P

2008-12-29T22:11:00.002+08:00

I don't really like this font. But when I change the font type, it doesn't really suit the whole layout. So I'm considering a new template again. Haha.

I went over to ahyi's house on sat for popiah session, den had a mini diarrhea.haha. Sunday, again the people who I saw on sat meet up again for Mala steamboat at Bugis. It was okay la, I ate a lot of cheapo stuff except for prawns. haha. Jiayi's worse! I dont even know what she ate. Seems like she ate nothing. Lol.

Watched tv today. Then realised that Chace Crawford was actually a valet before he became famous for Gossip Girl. Haha, he even mentioned he parked Jessica Simpson's car before. lol.

Oh well, I'm quite tired for today to blog. So goodnight!

2008-12-28T13:32:00.003+08:00

I figured out why I wanna work so badly. Okay, money aside, I found out that if even at home I can't find solitude and peace within, then it doesn't matter where else I go. So probably that's the reason why I want to get out of the house so much. So much to be free, I want. Nothing much to say, I'm going out now.

2008-12-27T00:41:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was christmas. Celebrated with tongle's birthday at stephenie's house. I didn't really have a hard time getting there - thanks to Pric. and tulip. haha. anyway, I kinda had fun. But I hate my face to the core. It was nice catching up with the boys, yes, boys, because they haven't really grown up. ;\ Time passed very fast and it was soon to go home. Argh. I seriously hate Cushing's. I love my friends. ;)

2008-12-24T00:59:00.002+08:00

Okay. I went to see dr. eng yesterday. and I almost cried again. those eyes of his always make me wanna cry, like the compassion of a father has for his daughter. but anyway got the medicine which costs $342.65 for only one and a half month, expensive stuff. hope it'll do some work.

on the way travellin to dr eng's, i saw peipei & desiree. it was so coincidental..i mean i was just chattin online with peipei after eons of not seeing her online and then the next day i actually saw her! haha. sounds so de javu. ok ok, stingray n sotong sambal someday we promised. and much more gossips. LOL.

i know i shouldn't be doin this but i've already started on gossip girl season 2 and expectedly, i got hooked again! arghhhh. i need a job!

anyway, thanks to amirah, i'm gonna just go along and do this quiz:

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers in their blog.
B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz. (Those that are tagged cannot refuse.)
C) Continue this game by tagging 8 other people.

1.Justina
2.Zhihui
3.Wani
4.Ahyi - Jiayi
5.Tulip (if ure still blogging!)
6.Madeline
7.Cassandra
8.Cherie

(these people are in my random thoughts and no particular reason of choosing them)

1.What have you been doing recently?
Gossip Girl, Slack, Sleep, Eat!

2.Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Nooooo. But nobody ever contacted me that much in order to leave my phone on for 24 hours. Maybe I should consider switching it off. ;\

3.What happened at 10am today?
As usual, I was sleeping.

4.When did you last cry?
The last time I really cried I guess it was watching 'Wild Child'.

5.Believe in fate/destiny?
Probably.

6.What do you want in your life now?
KILL CUSHING'S DISEASE, ERADICATE THE TUMOUR COMPLETELY AND FOREVER.

7.Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or just put up your hood?
I guess I'd carry an umbrella. A hood would still make my clothing dirty in the rain.

8.What's your favourite thing to do on the bed?
Read!

9.What bottoms are you wearing now?
TOR KAR BOR.

10.What's the nicest things in your inbox?
Messages before it's full and I have to clear them?

11.Do you tend to make the relationship complicated?
No. How do you make a relationship complicated? A relationship is itself complicating.

12.Are you wearing anything borrowed from anyone?
No.

13.What was the last movie you caught?
Twilight

14.What are you proud of?
My energy to sustain through the night till 10am while others are sleeping like a pig!

15.What does the oldest text msg in your inbox say?
"haha is it? what does it say?"

16.What was the last song you sang out loud?
Oh god. I can't remember.

17.Do you have any nicknames?
YES.

18.What does the newest text say?
"I at cashier 10. long queue" by my mom when we were at ntuc of different spots.

19.What time did you go to bed last night?
5am?

20.Are you currently happy?
NO. DAMN CUSHING'S.

21.Who gives you the best advise?
Different ppl give me different best advises of different things.

22.Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
Definitely not

23.Who did you talk on the phone last night?
I didn't talk to anyone on the phone last night.

24.Is something bugging you now?
YES. When is this quiz gonna end?

25.Who was the last person to make you laugh?
My mom.

1.The person who tagged you is ?
AMIRAH

2.Your relationship with him/her ?
A GOOD FRIEND THAT KILLED MY BOREDOM WITH THIS QUIZ :)

3.Your 5 impression of him/her ?
cheerful,always smiling,trouble-free,small,loud.

4.The most memorable thing he/she has done for you ?
Oh she made this wooden magnet en carved my name in arabic i think.

5.The most memorable thing he/she had said to you ?
I'm not telling you ;P

6.If he/she become your lover, you will ?
I should be crazy.

7.If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be?
errrr. I don't know. height? oops ;x lol.

8.If he/she becomes your enemy, you will ?
kill her. hahahaha.

9.If he/she dies, you will ?
no she won't die.

10.What is it you want to tell he/she now ?
hello amirah!

11.Your overall impression of he/she ?
VERY VERY VERY VERY CHEERFUL.

12.How do you think people around you will feel ?
without a doubt, same as wat i feel.

13.The characters you love of yourself are?
Determination, Responsibility, errr I've got too many to be named! hahaha.

14.ON the contrary, the characters you hate yourself are ?
I'm not gonna say :P

15.The most ideal person you want to be is?
Mother Teresa, Wilma Rudolph, Angelina Jolie

16.For people that care and likes you,say something to them
I LOVE YOU!!!

17.Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you.
1.Justina
2.Zhihui
3.Wani
4.Ahyi - Jiayi
5.Tulip (if ure still blogging!)
6.Madeline
7.Cassandra
8.Cherie
9.Jasper
10.Pricillia

18.Who is no.6 having a relationship with?( Madeline )
I don't know leh? I know she has a boyfriend.

19.Is no.9 a male or a female?(Jasper)
Shemale. HAHAHA.

20.If no7. and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?( Cassandra and Pricillia )
No.probably not. because they both belong to me! hahaha.

21.What is no.2 studying all about?(Zhihui)
Oh. Everything the same as me!

22.When was the last time you chatted with no.3?(Wani)
The last s10 girls' reunion at Breeks. With her dressing like a small sun. lol.

23.What kind of music band does no.8 likes?(Cherie)
I don't know?

24.Does no.1 have any siblings?( Justina )
YES. I guess its 1 brother n 1 sister.

25.Will you woo no.3 ?(Wani)
Noooo. Never will.

26.How about no.7 , will you woo him/her ?( Cassandra )
Oh if i'm a guy I definitely would. She just make you forget all troubles all day ;)

27.Is no.4 single?(Jiayi)
I don't know. Remind me to ask her soon.

28.What is the surname of no.5?(Tulip)
Brampy. (I know, sounds like grumpy, but she's anything but that)

29.What is the hobby of no.10?( Pricillia )
Being others' 3rd party (oops I'm gonna get from her soon again) LOL

30.Does no.5 & 9 get along?( Tulip & Jasper)
YES I think they do. But they don't have a lot in common.

31.Where is no.2 studying at?(Zhihui)
We're outta college! ;)

32.Talk about something for no.1?( Justina )
She has brains, looks, chatty and everything you're looking for in a fun and nice girl! ;)

33.Have you tried developing feelings with no.8 ?( Cherie)
No. Not really. ;\

34.Where does no.9 live in?( Jasper )
I think its bedok.

35.What colour does no.4 likes?(Jiayi)
Errrr. I seriously don't know. But I'm guessing pink.

36.Are no.1 and 5 bestfriends?( Justina & Tulip)
No?

37.Does no.1 have any pets?(Justina)
Oh no, I don't know!

38.Is no.7 close to you?(Cassandra)
YES. And I love this girl to bits even though we amazingly meet up on the average once a year ;)

39.What is no.10 doing now?( Pricillia )
Probably talking to some people on the phone, doing her assignments and at the same time chatting online. She's a multi-tasker.

So that is all. THANK GOD! Haha.

I'm getting so tired after doing the quiz. But it isn't very bad la. Answering 39 qsns. haha. so if you're bored, you can always try doing! Going to steph's house on the 25th to celebrate both xmas and tl's bday. Mm! Gossip Girl now!

2008-12-22T03:32:00.002+08:00

I AM ELATED.

I officially finished watching 'Gossip Girl' season 1 and I guess I can finally turn my sleeping clock around now. I'm blogging at 3:32am! I've been sleeping such early mornings these few days thanks to Gossip girl and I can't wait to catch Season 2 with great mental preparation and of course - to practise self-control. Alright, I'm really a little tired now and I wanna rest.

So talk again soon! :)

2008-12-21T05:23:00.002+08:00

The time now is 5:22am. I'm supposed to be up early today to help out at my grandfather's death anniversary. Which I came home at 12+ am as well from the same place I am supposed to be today. To be succinct - my grandma's place. I guess I'm not going anyway, for the fact that I am still up at this hour! I think I might just literally doze off while helping out. And the only reason why I am still up at this graceful hour when everyone shuts their eyes and building new cells, no doubt, no surprises, i am watching Gossip Girl. oh god, that sounds so b*tchy, i don't really like the name of the series but I really do quite like the show! It's anything but what is perceived from the name of the show. Great love stories, friendships, college life, teenagers' mindsets. yes. and most of all, the scenery you never get to experience in Singapore.

Okay, backtrack a little, I still went out with Tulip on friday. We had sakura for lunch and it was really filling, we stayed there until 230pm when sakura had to close(I just cannot comprehend why) and we went to watch 'Yes Man'. It was a funny show, erm, one thing to say for sure -- Jim Carrey has aged a lot.

I did have a good time catching up. Tulip accompanied me to collect my jeans down at Bugis and I was quite happy to pick up some new clothes together with her despite the place was just so un-breathable.y'know, tulip's just one of the girlfriends whom you can just pour yr sorrows to, share your joy with, a perfect good girlfriend. What more, she's the only child too. We kinda share quite a bit in common. haha ;) (so get jealous pric! haha. who asked u not to join us! ;P) anyway, Then, I met mommy who did her hair at bishan( she claimed that it would be nicer if she perm-ed it) and we had desserts. :) And, it was home, Gossip girl, and slept all the way to a shocking 130pm. lol.

It's really easy to get swayed by peoples' mere comments. But I would stay strong, and take in what is useful, filter what is hurtful and live my life, pursue my dreams, the way I want it. :D I'm not so easily beaten; anymore.

I talked to cass online. Oh, so good to reminisce the good ol' days. Nothing gold lasts huh. Somehow, I feel kinda lonely. But yet, I still want to focus on getting healed first. Mommy called Dr Eng up. collecting the medicine to suppress the cortisol level on monday while waiting for gammaknife to take effect. I really really pray, that this would be the one last time of surgery I'm gonna have on my pituitary gland.

For today, that's it. Still living strong.

2008-12-19T01:43:00.003+08:00

I caught 'Twilight' with the girls today. The sleepy hannah & liyun. Their eyes were almost closing when I first saw them today at AMK Hub. Well okay, anyway, we caught 'Twilight' and yes, Robert Pattinson is just so..hot. and irresistible. haha.

no.not much of any fascinating scenes nor exciting plot, but Robert Pattinson is all worth watching. all worth yr money on the big screen. haha. i stopped watching the taiwan drama 'bu liang xiao hua' and divert my full attention to 'Gossip Girl'! And god, i'm just at season 1. i've got so much catching up to do!

Oh well, so that's about it today. i've definitely overshot my budget and i've not bought really anything useful for new year! so i'm going out again tomorrow and off i am to watch Gossip Girl before hitting my bed!

Goodnight!

2008-12-15T01:58:00.003+08:00

I finally completed the book "Eat Pray Love" - by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's a good read. Go to the library, or visit Kinokuniya or walk into any book stores to get the book! Liz brings you through a spiritual experience as though you were just beside her. A very fruitful, fulfilling and contenting book to be read. I think I somehow have an affinity with this writer. It's funny. I thought about the movie I used to love to bits - "Coyote Ugly". And then after reading more about Elizabeth Gilbert, I realised the movie was actually an idea inspired by her working days as a bartender and waitress. Years later, I am reading one of her best selling books all around the world! It occurs as a surprise to me because I am not a book fanatic, yet I am completely mesmerized by her literature. So do get the book! ;)

I caught 'Wild Child' today and cried at a few scenes. After movie it was straight down to bishan I was so bored I called liyun to meet earlier. haha. we were supposed to meet at 530pm. Then sherman msged me at 510pm to say that he had reached the place! So when liyun and I finally reached at 540pm and met up with them, Sherman said he bought something.

"I walked arnd..and bought something"
Lookin at sherman.
"Where is the plastic bag?"
"I went home to put the stuff alr"
"and came back"
"WHAT?!"

he's amazing. i bet he walked at the speed of a leopard.

Then we went to chompchomp to hav dinner. I think I had a great time, always jokin with gerald, bullyin liyun and chattin with sherman. I really had some good laughs. It's difficult to find such good friends these days, as we all age, I realise true friends are hard to come by. So I wanna hold on to all these friends that I have, givin them what I can, like how they have given to me ;) Anyway, I saw some familiar faces at chompchomp. It leaves me to some really deep thinking.

WHY AM I ALWAYS CONSIDERED THE BAD GUY BY MY EXS' FRIENDS?

I see this similarity in my past relationships. And I just can't understand why. I want to go back to secondary school when I don't have to be troubled by all these issues. When I don't have a boyfriend. Because what I really wanted was befriending them, but I never seem to be able to. Now I feel fearful, I fear that my friends would perceive me the way my exs' friends did, or do. I just don't know what I did wrong? Am I really always in the wrong to deserve such opinions?

I don't think I hate anybody. I think I tried to be the best of myself, so I guess, maybe my best is still not enough.

I don't think I have the courage to love someone now. Cushing's has been ill-treating me; to the core, I have completely(almost) given up on myself. I fear to love, thinking I don't deserve somebody else's love too and my disease would be dragging him down.

I guess I'll just stay the way I am now. Maybe seeking a more spiritual experience. Findin my true inner soul. finding my real happiness. There would be many things one might regret about, but I've decided not to regret and brood over things that have passed, or never be able to salvage. But I promise I never meant to hurt anyone deep, because I know the hurting is devastating, Cushing's is much scarier than you may have thought just lookin at me. But it definitely made me a stronger person, given me a wider perspective, and I know there are so much more to be discovered.

And I will continue to strive to be a better person. ;)

So the entry ends here, i'm gonna watch taiwan drama liyun gave me the link! i can't believe i'm into all these now...thanks to my 2 dearest liyun&hannah ;\

2008-12-11T00:00:00.002+08:00

I just came back not long ago from outin' with the usual girls: hannah&liyun.

As usual, i had a lot of fun talking. all spoiled when Liyun wanted to go home and watch tv. We caught the movie 'Sex Drive' and it wasn't a lot of sex-initiated mindsets or scenes. Overall, it was a little funny, the actors/actresses were not really appealing but not a very bad show to watch. It didn't really have a plot or any meaning, but just for leisure, it isn't an entirely bad catch.

We had Jack's Place for lunch. I think next time we should try SPAGEDDIES. haha. After movie, we then had our dinner known by Hannah as "FFF" - Fast Food Feast. LOL. Very sinful, but once in a awhile, and we love to sit down and enjoy talking and eating.

Didn't do a lot of shopping, didn't find what i was looking for. ;( AHHH. I'm getting really a little tired and I still wanna continue reading my book. So I'm gonna save my eyes for the rest of the pages and so, goodnight!

2008-12-09T02:31:00.002+08:00

I went out for a mini shoppin to Chinatown with Mommy. You'd be amazed at the things sold there, it isn't really a place just for the elderly. But true enough, there were many ah pehs(some are really tikO) there and some really rude and very cheapskate aunties(sorry but to say they always spoil my mood).

I had frog leg with rice for $8.50 for dinner! Gosh, I wonder why is it so expensive. But it's okay, it was a brave try and it tasted not bad.

Then we headed down to PS. We ate more than we shopped la. hahaha. it's always that case. So I commented that I should stay at home actually because at least there's work for me to do at home other than eat. haha. OKAY. so i'm gonna walk everyday now, and hope I poo. I haven't poo-ed a decent one for like days! like more than 3 days. I'm suffering from constipation and that's not good because I'm already fat!

I hope Dr Eng does something la. Gosh.

2008-12-07T22:52:00.003+08:00

I just came back for a really short jog+walk. My calves and shin hurt as usual, so I couldn't take it anymore and gave up running. While the pain was active, my mind was thinking about what Dr. Ben Tan had suggested me to go to: operation. on my legs. yes, a slit in my muscles. I was even counting which year should I go, and all about the side effects and recovery.

I woke up at 1pm today to find out that I've gained another kg overnight, without eating much last night.(although I skipped breakfast) I really think that my metabolism is all screwed up. I took AVALON* singapore-based pill and it didn't work towards my advantage, now I even have constipation(I think). Sometimes it's really hard fighting on. Dealing with so many disappointments at one time.

Anyway I wanna thank Pric out of so many photos on her cam at least I found one that I looked okay.

So I need to go through new year with a puff-ed up face, an oversize body, and pray that all these would go away soon.

2008-12-06T00:22:00.003+08:00

I went out with the S10 girls today. Bought 2 slices of cake from secret recipe for Tulip and Zhihui's celebration of birthdayS before heading to Breeks to wait for the other girls. I literally had a lot of fun, y'know, I always liked talking. We took a great deal of photos, the only thing that dampened my mood was I looked so abnormal in all the photos. It's Cushing's. Sighs. I actually can feel my puff-ed up face every moment. It's so hindering, nerve-wrecking, it's spoiling every bit of my life.

Anyway I didn't have a very good catch up time with each and every individual girl as much as I wanted to, so I'd probably be calling out them more often to know the bits and pieces of their lives. Esp. Pricillia Mei Pei Shi. hahaha.

I really really want to have faith in Dr. Alvin Hong. I hope I won't be disappointed this time round, for EVER.

Everytime I am motivated to look for a job, I am distressed with my looks. I don't feel confident, really, I just hate my face now. I really don't feel like taking photos anymore, the only reason why I would take photos now is so in future I can look back and remind myself how strong I have been, I'm proud of myself and I would share it to everyone I know.

That life isn't just about pursuing meaningless aspirations (okay i know it sounds like a oxymoron but i can't substitute a better word for it), it's way much much more than that. It's funny why and how one is unsatisfied no matter how much he has accomplished, and people for so many years have been seeking real and true happiness within. Then what is happiness? How could everyone be so seemingly endlessly unsatisfied? why do our thoughts and principles get swayed so easily by the ever-changing world?

I read a bit about yoga science again. and yoga is all about seeing the Reality. and Reality is never changing in the past, present or future. it is independent of time. of anything. So the world we see now is actually not the Reality, because it is the basis of everything that is changing.

it's really profound. what then is Reality? how can we seek happiness and stay longingly happy and unaffected by the turmoil of the world? it's really something..of big wisdom and knowledge.

Not even modern psychology can fully understand yoga. Modern psychology is the collective study of behaviours, and I think, too, that it isn't really accurate at all times. I don't know, I'd probably read a lot more into this area.

Amidst all the confusion and stuff, I still am very concerned about the people I love, my friends and everyone out there that is true to me, they are the ones that make my life, my everything. Thank you people, I don't know how to thank you enough, to appreciate you enough, only to know I will be there for you too if you ever need me.

2008-12-05T01:28:00.002+08:00

so I promised to come back strong today.

I feel I've improved. Because when jasper actually mentioned that I'm fat, I kinda; amazingly feel quite indifferent already. Because I know, someday I would recover and regain my confidence(as well as my looks) once that disease is off me. Just like the kinda anticipation when I first got Cushing's in sec4, when the group of guys actually mocked at me infront of my face, much much worse than what I had experienced from jasper. his is considered mere.

okay well anyway, winston,jasper and victor came over to play mahjong for nearly 10hours! my eyes were gonna burst, i was seeing doubles, so I guess victor is seeing quadruples. haha. he mentioned that he hadn't slept at all since last night.

i won quite a bit, victor was the biggest winner, i wanted to treat them to some snacks and drinks maybe downstairs but the time didn't really allow us to do so. so, hmm, very loving and faithful winston(chiachia is so fortunate) wanted to go home faster so to talk to his darling. gee. now we're waiting for siwei to meet up and reminisce some good ol' times! ;D

the effect of gammaknife is really slow. i told mommy my frustation, on top of that worrying that the disease might come back again and we can't afford the fees. so so many worries. i think that is the only reason to push me out of my comfortable bed to work. sighs. if only medical treatment fees were a little more friendly.

daddy said he's outta job. i dont know, I feel like he should give everything he has to the family, but he doesn't seem quite so. to him, i feel, it's just being responsible and not entirely from the inner heart within. maybe I'm selfish, but I really do hope that he'd give everything he has to this family because I have seen my mother given really her everything. and more than everything. and I'm beginning to be like her, buying groceries and cook for her lunch with my own pocket money and save on every cent that they gave me so to pay my medical fees next time. It's their hard-earned money anyway.

okay, enough said, i'm tired.

2008-12-04T01:21:00.002+08:00

I've been reading quite a bit into yoga. It's rather interesting at first, and then it got really profound and so difficult to comprehend! someday I guess I'm really gonna find my own Guru and practise yoga. And yoga's purpose, for many have misunderstood, is not to LOSE WEIGHT! There are many moves to relax the muscles so as not to hinder the concentration while meditating.

Anyway I went to sengkang with mommy to collect something from some agent. And the agent actually commented that I looked fat, and rounded. So kind mommy was trying to explain to her that it is one of the symptoms of my illness while I was trying hard to hold back the tears.

Oh, and it reminded me about what I read recently in books that we should not try to break down that easily because it becomes a habit when we do that too often. So I'm quite proud of myself I managed to fight the tears at the contours of my eyes and I regained my self(or rather attention) not to be too affected by it. Of course I still am, because this is not what I'm in control of. But, I do not cry anymore.(although I did very much feel like to)

It didn't come as a very full surprise when I read that it is yoga science that came the birth of mathematics. and mathematics is the basis of science. science cannot live without mathematics. now i'm beginning to understand why indians are such great mathematicians.

I still am eating. I still try to lose weight at the same time. I try to do as much as I can not at the expense of my health. So I guess I'm giving myself probably another 2 years to regain my shape, to completely eradicate this disease.

Now I feel so jealous of all the others that go out, because i can't buy the clothes I wan (firstly, the money issue, secondly, i don't feel confident at all), and that makes me kinda 'clothless' whenever ppl ask me out. amazingly, I am still feeling very guilty about spending my parents' money on my medical condition. I often break down because I feel so useless, yet I can't pick up the courage to even go for a job interview. Really, I just want to be normal.

I think I've ranted too much today. I need to "re-arrange" my thoughts. And come back strong again, maybe tomorrow. sorry guys.

2008-11-30T02:22:00.002+08:00

I've becoming so free to blog everyday now.

Alright, to start my day, I woke up at about 1pm today. OOPS. lol. Mommy came back from work and then we slept again. LOL. like yes, I slept again. Until 5pm we woke up, mom and I decided to pay ahma a visit at the hospital. Yes, she was admitted for diabetics emergency yesterday night.

She looked rather okay just now, I hope she'd be fine and get outta the virus-filled hospital asap.

Anyway, we then met xiaojiu and auntie yvonne and she drove us to Dempsey, we had chocolate fondue @ LaFondue! oh gosh, that was heavenly, the ambiance the chocolate were just wonderful.

So that basically speaks my day. I realise many Cushing's patients actually have recurrence. There is one that even mentioned that the tumour came back 13 years later! how devastating. how cruel this disease is. i hate it. i hate it!

2008-11-29T00:53:00.003+08:00

I think I'm gonna be overweight soon.

I just can't shed the fats off. I don't know why, I've been eating much lesser, working more until often I get those dizzy spells come knocking on my forehead and temple. Nothin' worked, at all, liyun, I finally understand yr pain. But I think you're a much more optimistic person than me. lol.

Thursday was dinner with Pric @TM. I shopped a little while waitin for her to reach. Saw a couple of fanciful clothes I don't have the figure nor confidence to wear. I often tell my parents I don't wanna buy clothes until I slim down, so I guess I won't be buying any new clothes for this new year. Moreover, dad's business is sliding badly, he hinted me today that he doesn't have enough for me to buy new yr clothes this year.

It's like the Revelations. The economic crisis, terrorism, global warming, it's just disastrous. It's exactly..apocalyptic. Sometimes it's just so easy to be lost in such a complicated world. Losing the purpose of life, the meaning of living, the will of breathing, the fight of awakening. Amidst all the problems around the world, I start to wonder, is getting into a local university that important anymore?

My answer is no. But I would not just give up my dreams. As what Randy Pausch once mentioned that "dreams will change as we grow". And we will not always achieve the dream that we want, and it is the experience that counts.

Well, I think I do have many dreams. haha, I've accomplished some, some I have not, and others maybe not at all(because I'm not determined enough for those). I looked at my past, my sickness, my family and all in all, I believe there is always one way or another, dreams would mature, because I would. and so my dreams would.

2008-11-27T06:31:00.002+08:00

I'm up early this morning. The first things on news is terror attack in Mumbai. 80 killed, 250 injured. It just reminds me how fragile a life can be. And I should be feeling really fortunate.

I ate a couple of pills that were meant for "cleaning out the toxins" in yr body and had a tummy upset yesterday. I had several runs to the toilet and it was disgusting la. lol. In addition to that, I was feelin kinda nauseous and sick, i think i really have gastric problems.

Gosh, I am still having nightmares about my A lvls papers. I really did soooo many careless mistakes. Sighs. And the worst nightmare has been maths. sigh sighhhhh.

Feel like working, but at the same time also dont feel like working. hmm. I guess I'll rest till dec first. okay, now its time for sims2!!

2008-11-25T01:07:00.002+08:00

I slept a lot again today, don't know why I feel lethargic than ever before. Didn't accomplish much today, oh but I played sims2 yesterday. haha, someday I'm gonna expand the memory so I can install more of the expansion packs on the lousy desktop. lol.

I'm kinda tired now but I still wanna play some sims2 before snugglin into my bed. haha.

and i promised gerald to bring him somewhere in this near future. lol.

and i promised ahyi to go out and hav fun! ;D (u can always bring ahseet along lol)

and i promised so many others to go out before i start gettin depressed abt my results again.

and so i will. ;DD

2008-11-24T02:18:00.003+08:00

As depressed as I may sound on my blog, I still am rather connected to the outside world. For eg, i played mahjong yesterday with e same clique, and phew, luckily i won back at the last few rounds, so poor victor gotta spend his winnings on taxi fare because he was sooo late. i guess my mahjong skills are stil that lousy, so i was plain lucky yesterday.

Met up with liyun also, walked arnd j8 but prices on what we were looking for werent really friendly, so we gave the idea up and ended up at cafe cartel for dinner instead. didnt see her for quite awhile, and its always good to see yr girlfriends. ;D

I gained weight again. it's hard to lose those fats, like seriously. I think im gonna look for work in december. dont think i'd look for an office job, maybe customer service ((;

i'm looking more on the brighter side now since exams are over, exams are so stressful. it really hurt my health. and vice versa, my health hurt my exams. it made me a detestable person, and quiet, and unsociable freak.

I slept like the whole of today. literally. I only really woke up at 7pm today, and ate dinner at 10pm because mom and i wanted to watch the ch 8 show. because dajiu went for the show (;

i've been frequenting UniSIM's website, the institution looks rather cool and promising, ultimately, education's purpose is to broaden minds, and not narrow peoples' values. okay, i think im gonna follow up on my book again, i kinda love to read. goodnite!

2008-11-22T02:17:00.002+08:00

i changed a whole new layout. and...so i decided to take a tour back to the good ol'(or maybe the not so good ones as well) memories i've penned it down virtually. i read a few entries i blogged in 2006, when i was j1. and I wonder where hav my bubbly strong confidence go. i think the lost confidence really, has greatly affected my studies. i seriously dont think i'm that bad ;\

no matter how hard i fall at the beginning, i would always have the courage to pick myself up. perhaps it's the recurrence over and over again that's making me lose heart. lose faith. and lose my mind about everything else. i wonder, in future when i look back, would i regret for not bein stronger? is it really within my means to overcome such barriers?

now and then, i tell myself to let go of everythin besides health, but time wouldnt stop for me. and everyone would be goin ahead, movin forward, i cant let myself just stop like that. nobody, wuld stop with me. although i really wish for someone to lean on. it's so tired, fighting this arduous battle. wher u cant really see any light. so i guess im trippin and fallin, trippin n fallin.

something offtrack. I think the age of media has really arrived, and not only that, it is dominating in every aspect. A gorgeous face, a strong and convincing voice and tone, of course together with clever strategies and policies delivered through the powerful medium, President elect Barack Obama has made history, winnin the hearts of the Americans. It is definitely a very glorious and stunning moment to feel.

okay, enough of all the words. im gonna read the book 'eat,pray,love' now. ;D

2008-11-21T23:00:00.002+08:00

A lvls is officially over.

but i'm not overly elated about it. it's a relief that i can at least have some stress-free sleep; finally. however, i dont feel any bit of goodness about the exam because i know i screwed it up big time. like really bad. i'm kinda sad.

but anyway, i bought some stuff recently. spending makes one happy. really.

and i pray, that whatever i wish for now, would come true in time.

okay, anyway, on a lighter note, i went for s24's bbq night yesterday. i had a fun time (; it was a pity not able to play risk but overall the guys were a fun bunch and the girls were just great (((; the company was comfortable and i'm glad, i was able to talk and (being chatty) after such a long long timeeee.

i think i really was very talkative back in secondary school. and mischievous. hmm.

2008-11-02T22:20:00.003+08:00

I've been feeling really really lethargic. Fatigue. My eyes swell again this morning I woke up, I've been trying to cram those things into my head to no avail. I've just officially wasted another year of my life, in college. I should've just headed to SIM. If I knew Cushing's was gonna come back and hit me so hard this time. My memory is failing me, the degree of depression is more than anyone could understand, I dont tihnk anyone could, not even my parents.

That kind of academic stress, the guilt I have of spending my parents hard-earned money on such a dreadful tumour, the physical changes and the drastic change in my health are unbearable. I could no longer run. I could no longer do the things I want. Cushing's crashed almost all my dreams, at such a young age. I am totally depressed.

Majority of the people around me really do not understand me. I am breaking down again. Right at the night before the start of my exam. An exam I looked upon that is so fatal, it is as though it determines my life. I lost the drive, the motivation, everything. everything in my life. Nothing has changed for the better.

I want to come out to work. I don't want to be a faggot anymore.

I dunno how many times I have cried, because there are so many things I want to accomplish, yet ruined by this illness. You may say I'm not strong enough, but I can tell you it's not easy, it's not just a disease, it's an illness that encompasses a depressing stage, a losing will, a failing memory, a deteriorating body, and it's not what you can seek help for immediately. YEARS after YEARS. my golden years just got burnt like that. Why can't I get it in my late forties?

I really don't have anyone I can turn to now. God. It's so hard, smiling on the outside but weeping deep inside. I really feel like dying. so badly. I don't want to tell my mother anything, because I don't want her to get worried. I'm really tired, I'm just as useless to this family.

2008-10-09T20:52:00.002+08:00

In the midst of the hustle and bustle from the everyday work, the everyday stress not coming from just studies alone, I took a break. By spending an hour hovering on youtube watching my current favourite - David Archuleta ;D

I'm totally drown in his mesmerizing voice, captivating eyes, enticing demeanour..so much so much to describe about him. It's a joy watching him perform. Wished I was there in his live performances. Young,talented,likeable, unintimidated by his young age, he's a real deal. His voice soothes my cooped-up mind..every song that he sang touches my heart so much! you go, boy! I especially like his version of "Stand by me".
He is definitely worth watching at.

Oh okay, besides him, "I Believe" by Syesha Mercado is not bad too. I kinda like her too.

3 weeks more to the big thing which I have totally no confidence of better-ing my grades from last year. Next week is my birthday. Who do I keep crying on my birthday these few years?

Sorry friends, give me more time. to embrace this world again.

2008-09-15T17:15:00.002+08:00

i thought it's quite boring and mundane if i just keep blogging about studies. like my whole life is revolving around just studies. ;\ so okay, there isn't gonna be any organised structure in this post, but just anything that comes to my mind randomly.

i'm not complaining about school, but my body isn't really co-operating. i can't describe how restless and tired i feel, further enhanced by my swollen eyes now, i really can't get down to study. seriously. i don't know why my eyes swell, and i feel like throwing up, no appetite but eat a lot, i dont feel hungry but i can just keep eating and nothing seems to be able to make me full. books: nothing goes into my head. i sleep more than 12 hours a day.

i went to see both dr eng and dr hong on saturday. i guess looking at how oneself changes beyond your own recognition infront of the mirror is devastating. so again, with those empathetic eyes i saw in dr eng's, i broke down again. i really really couldnt take it anymore. i thought i was strong. but no, i am a crybaby.

irritating, annoying, frustrating, it's dragging my life. ruining it. so tired of fighting, but don't worry, my dear friends and beloved uncles and aunties, i may be a bit depressed now fighting this long long war(in terms of duration), but i won't collapse and say "i give up" that easily. it's painful, both inside out, but life still has to go on. even if i still don't do well in "A" lvls this time round, i really won't take it too hard on myself. because i know, the only most impt things in life are health, family and good friends.

if you're feeling good day, i suggest you have a good meal @ Subway! it's tasty, it's fulfilling, it's satisfying. right liyun? lol.

i still will laugh at times, taking life humorously, cracking jokes with my own changing features that this disease caused me. i think i'm not really that bad. i am just worried, how long more will this drag me.

anyway, i'm tired again,but i want to thank everybody who has been really concerned and caring for my progress, i will catch up with you all, hopefully soon.

2008-09-08T19:53:00.002+08:00

I got back all the papers today.

So I got again, depressing results. EEU. I am really disappointed. But when I recall back then, the very monday of the study break week, I went to see the radiologist. We discussed, he explained the side effects of gammaknife, I cried. And it went on for days. Almost the entire week I cried. I remember the start of the prelim week I felt nauseous, I was totally unprepared. So I shouldn't, really, be too hard on myself. I really haven't felt healthy for a long time. And now, I hate school. I hate socialising now, even stepping outta house, Cushing's has really made me an irritable person.

People start to doubt my ability and potential. I too, initially, after collecting all my results, were shaky about my own potential. Yet again, I thought about what I have watched on America's Next Top Model that when all the others don't believe in you, and you don't believe in yourself either, who's gonna believe in you? So okay, I lost the battle, but I will win the war.

I'm not afraid to say it. Because I have done it before. I have scored As before, I just need to stay focus and put everything else aside. Forget about looking ugly, forget about looking irritating to others, because they aren't going to help me at all.

I don't have to give an account to people of why I did so badly in prelims, and this is my second time taking bla bla bla..I just need to account for myself. And I know I can do it, and I will do it.

2008-09-04T13:30:00.002+08:00

If someone tells you that the procedure of Gammaknife is painless, it's a big fat lie.

In the morning at 8am, where after I had 2 half-boiled eggs, 2 toasted bread and a cup of milo(they indicated a light breakfast before going for the procedure), I reached the Gammaknife Centre at Gleneagles Hospital. There's this staff nurse who then asked me to change into the surgery suit, which after I was proceeded into a small area where they asked me to sit on a chair (Dr. Alvin Hong was there). And so I did. Still feeling rather excited about what they were going to do.

Before I had any mental preparation, I saw Dr. Hong and the radiotherapist holding a really heavy metal helmet and they steadily (almost as if without any careful planning ahead) and hanged it over my head. I couldn't see as clearly every inch of detail because I didn't wear my specs, but I saw like about 7cm dull coloured nails on the table.

The next thing I know, Dr Hong started drilling one of the nails to the top right hand corner of my head. (my right forehead). I think he gave me an injection on my right forehead (right into my skin) for the anesthetic. I can't believe to this moment that I saw the needle piercing right through my forehead. It was...an excruciating prick. nothing ordinary you can ever imagine. I think I was already suffering from some kinda instant trauma, all I know was Dr Hong started giving me injections all over my head. (there were basically 4 particular points where the nails were drilled onto my scalp) I know, it was beneath my skin. I could feel the pain. I felt nauseous. and I let out a few "ouches" before everything sets in place. I think he gave me a total of about 7-8 injections before the anesthetic took effect and I got more calm.

I guess I looked dumb. and heavy. I didn't dare to face the mirror. I know it was gonna be a horrible sight and it'd only affect my mood for the procedure later on. but mommy said her heartbeat raced the moment she saw me. so I guess you could imagine how terrifying the sight was.

Nobody else saw. Simply no one else. I think I have the greatest mom in the world.

I had my MRI scan done and they saw something like a 1mm tumour at the extreme side of my gland. I was then transported to ParkwayHealth Hospital by ambulance after a long wait of 2 hours half, because the only Gammaknife machine is located there. The rest of the procedure was just quite mundane and the pressure of carrying a heavy helmet on your head is really uncomfortable.

The whole procedure took about 30 mins. They removed the helmet and I got splitting headaches after that, even until now I haven't washed my hair, my scalp was bleeding. I am tired, gammaknife really gives me the creeps. The radiotherapist told us some people actually passed out halfway and abort the operation when the injections were given to put on the helmet. It's a wonder how I went through it.

2008-08-15T11:33:00.002+08:00

Taking some time off to blog now. I really haven't been able to concentrate - to just sit down and study. My eyes are tired, my mind is tired, I've been crying too much.

I went to see the radiologist on Monday, he explained the side effects of Gammaknife. The success rate is only about 50-70% and I never knew how disastrous the side effects are until that very day. My eyeballs may not move together as the radiation might affect my eye muscles. I would have an increase risk of stroke. And the worst is, the success of the surgery can only be determined after 6 months. So yes, expectedly, I broke down like a weakling. In front of the doctor, if front of my parents, just like now, in front of a screen. (The only difference is, it doesn't feel).

I don't have the mood for prelims. Really. But I know I have to pull myself together. (Thanks Liyun, a short chat really brightened up my day). What I'm aiming for is the big war, and not the battle. The radiologist actually could see that I was so concerned with A lvls, he comforted me that health is more impt, and forgo the prelims if it really seems impossible. He was good at reading minds.

Up to this stage, after performing 5 surgeries in a short span of 5 years, I guess I'm losing the will. I don't come from a well-to-do family. And by the convention of paper chasing qualifications, I have to press on to support my family in the future. I don't want to be a burden. But perhaps, I should really learn to let go of things.

LET GO...

2008-07-24T20:36:00.002+08:00

Dr. Hong sent me home on saturday, just 1 day after the surgery because one night stay in hospital already amounted up to $10k.

I'm still recovering from the post-op symptoms. Sleeping almost 12 hours a day besides eating. I really can't do much. I feel really tired. However, the cortisol level is still high. I'm back to the square one.

So the surgeon decided it's gammaknife next. No choice. Even I have to have an increase risk of stroke in the future.

The acne is still flaring and multiplying, my face still feels puffy. I really really don't wish to take exams. I really wish to rest. But who will give me the grace?

2008-07-17T15:27:00.002+08:00

Today would be the only day I attend school for the entire week.

Teachers were very concerned about my condition and sent their best wishes. I felt touched. Looking back, I think I have to stop resenting about the world, because there are many more out there who are less fortunate than me. I should count my blessings instead of what I am missing. Randy Pausch mentioned in "The Last Lecture" that "don't complain too much, just work harder".

I want to thank a lot a lot of people. My list of angels have increased. Haha. Okay I will remember all the people who encouraged me in any means through sms mainly, those that hugged me, and of course the compassionate eyes I saw in teachers today.

I know, I will be alright, it's just ironical that I feel a little indifferent instead.

I am glad that all the people who know about my condition are praying hard for me, supporting me, and I feel blessed. Thank you so much.

Lastly, I admit that now I do feel guilty complaining every single minute about my life, which was so myopic revolving around the unhappiness I faced in school but never once trying to take just a tiny step to open up and be optimistic. I am the control of my thoughts and mindsets. And I will be positive. Because 07S24 is generally a very kind and easily adaptable habitat together with the teachers, I know even a teenage life is much more than just studies. It's how I fully maximise it.

Still looking towards fun in learning, fun in scoring, fun in achieving. We should all try to take humour seriously.

2008-07-14T07:57:00.003+08:00

(edited)

I gave school a miss today. Woke up in the morning and I have severe headaches. Mommy asked me not to go school, saying that I should not fall sick during this period of time. So, here I am, updating for what I have done the past week:

The results of the MRI scan are out. Something showed up on the scan. It is believed to be the tumour at 4x6mm. Dr Hong wished to have another endoscopic operation instead of gammaknife. Explaining that I would have an increase risk of stroke in 25-30 years(theoretically) to come if I choose to do gammaknife.

Schduled date: 18th July 2008. 2pm. Mount Elizabeth Hospital.

I can't believe I actually have this recurrent disease for a year now. More than a year actually. Including the time that I took the blood and urine tests.

I met up with Jenny, who has already flown to Australia by now and only be back 1 and a half yrs later. She treated me to TCC despite my insistence to treat her instead. >.< anyway, I promise I would when she comes back.

Then it was our usual meeting (Hannah and Liyun) i'm glad it became usual. Sometimes you don't treasure things and people and take them for granted in times when it's smooth sailing in your life. And one or two good friends are much more worthy than a bunch of superficial ones. So now, I learn to treasure! and there are so many out there I know I have let them down because they were really good to me and I was unappreciative. Sorry, I hope it's not too late.

2008-07-07T18:39:00.002+08:00

I'm waiting for hannah's call to meet up for dinner ;\ Okay, she just msged me to meet at 8pm. sooooo late. to have dinner. like i'm not fat enough already >.<

Anyway, I really couldn't settle myself down to study. I could feel the puffiness in my face, I feel the restlessness inside me, I feel fatigue. My mind is tired. Really tired. Share something that you might find it ridiculous: I don't really dare to exercise and sweat because 1) I'm afraid of the hives breakout, 2) I am afraid that it will aggravate my bad-enough acne on both my face and chest. 3) the pain that I would experience in my legs. Moreover, you need a good mood to exercise. Really. I just want to sleep my days away..

I'm glad the mirror's off my toilet's wall. So I don't have to face a monster every time I enter the toilet.

I really really don't feel like going to school. I don't want to face people.

It hits even harder on perfectionists like me. Teachers don't know anything about it. I had MRI scan on saturday. Very painful, the radiologists said I moved quite a number of times and even asked if I actually fell asleep because I had jolts and all that. I won't deny the fact that it was really quite comfortable but I just won't sleep being aware that something is inside me: the plug. I can't stand these things inside me, just like how I can't stand the remaining tumour inside me.

Not really catching up with my studies. I am racing against time, trying to shirk away the uneasiness I feel with a swollen face, keeping myself awake when I feel tired. I really feel like crying at times. When I think about I am a burden to my family. I don't dare to ask teachers questions because I am conscious over how I look, I don't want to socialise because I am aware how irritable it is not to look presentable.

And yet, I know I need tuition. But tuition is expensive, I need good tuition. I think I need to drop that idea soon, at the thought of money.

No photos maddy, sorry, I hate taking photos now. But I would, maybe, if I ever recover without recurrence again.

So anyway, now school to me is a place where I take tests, review after that, and know where I stand. Because the kind reality has way passed my life - I face a different phase of life from my classmates, pardon me for being an introvert.

2008-07-05T00:53:00.002+08:00

Short post.

i still don't understand thermal physics. i really tried studying. came back from school. slept. bathed. rushed out. thought i was gonna be late but i turned out to be the earliest. hannah came. then liyun came. watched 'wanted'. the show was not bad. mri scan tomorrow. pokes and pains. stressed. eat a lot. ate pizza hut and nachos today. i think its my class girls tt tempted me to eat nachos. ;\ but today was fun (; talked a trillion as usual. hannah talked loudly. liyun looked blur. i kept laughing. now i'm tired. gdnites.

2008-07-01T19:47:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging for a long time.

Now I don't really feel like logging onto the Internet la. Maybe because I'm really sick of school life. Of studies, of the people I can't really get along with, of facing the stress of my illness. Grrr. Now I'm thinking zhihui really made a wise choice lor. I so envy her now >.<

Every single moment I could feel the puffiness in my face, and that's why I don't really feel like talking to people. By talking and smiling will just emphasize more on the puffiness and it's real sickening. I promise. Really.

Got back chem test yesterday. did okay, didn't make a lot of careless mistakes, that's something I've improved. But physics test score was a disaster. Quite affected by it. So sad ); I don't know how to help myself now. I just wished I didn't have to face A lvls at all at this point of time. And just concentrate on eradicating every single bad cell on my pituitary gland.

Feel so tired and restless. Can't exercise. My legs are feeling weak and everyday I'm having those ugly and itchy hives. The condition didnt seem to improve like what Dr Leow has predicted. Sighs.

I just woke up from a nap not long ago, tonnes of homework I can't finish. It sucks having the feeling that people are looking up to you "BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE IT BEFORE". No, some of the things I have not done it because I was away for quite awhile, and when I came back I was lost. Okay, no lame excuses la. I shouldn't blame them, because they don't understand and they don't know. They just think that "Yes, you should score well because you're doing it the second time", they won't clap for you because you have made it by your own effort. That's reality. And I will still go through it with a smile (;

2008-06-18T02:43:00.002+08:00

I think I am too stressed.

The moment I take out my gp holiday assignment, my mind immediately shut off. I couldn't think of anything to pen it down. Within a short frame of time of just 5 minutes, I put the gp assignment out of my sight. It is that stressing. I don't like gp now, it's all fear that I have for gp. No, I am not good at english.

I just keep eating all day long. I don't even wanna touch my books. I think I'm really on the verge of breaking down. I just keep doing anything but sitting down to concentrate on the lecture notes, reading and trying to cram information inside my head. Something is just distracting me.

Dr Eng will be back tomorrow. I hope he calls. I want the tumour to be seen on the scan. I want it to be removed from me, forever. It's hard carrying on trying to face examinations knowing that something is growing inside you and progressively harming you. Moreover, I thought my life would be a bed of roses ever since 2005. Who knows, a recurrence would ever happen. No, it's not easy to accept that. In addition to that, the operation fees are a bomb. Your one lifetime-savings bomb. I've been saving up, trying not to spend on any material wants except food, to at least pay for my own MRI scan ($900) this time. I don't want to be a burden to my parents.

I just don't understand why my body is in such a mess. Cushing's disease, chronic uticaria, bilateral compartment syndrome..I'm like a perfect example of a failure of a cell-mutation experiment.

I told Dr Eng I'm not able to exercise because of my skin problem. And maybe that's why I've been gaining weight. I don't know lah, I just know I need to get good grades, and earn some good money. sighs. enough for the day. gdnight.

2008-06-06T23:23:00.002+08:00

Just a short update if anyone is reading it. My blood test result is finally out. It has a cortisol level of 546 which a normal person should hover around a value of 60. I don't know to feel relieved or what. What I pray for now is something can be seen on the scan to be operated on. Or else, I am driving myself to my own end. Waiting, watching myself to degenerate day by day. God, please make the best of the worst.

2008-06-05T04:53:00.002+08:00

I am kind of bored with this blogskin now. Or perhaps it's my mood that's dull.

I did not lose weight despite the little amount that I eat through the day. Or maybe it is because I didn't exercise. It was a combination of extreme itch and extreme pain on my thighs and calves and knees respectively. My body is in such a total mess.

Went to see Dr. Eng on monday which he put me through a series of tests again because my acne was flaring, my face feels puffy and I feel weakness in my legs. The symptoms. The horrifying symptoms that made me shun away from mirrors. Tomorrow, I am going for the blood test in the morning. If it's not Cushing's, I think I would really have a hard time looking presentable again.

School life is stressing me out. Other than keep failing my gp assignments (gp seems so uninteresting and difficult to me now), the other subjects are fairly okay. Let's hope I do not feel that tired if it is Cushing's disease again. Life is just that cruel. Counting on, it's going the 5th year that this disease bugged me. So long..I didn't realise.

I somehow still cannot fall asleep at 5am in the morning now, where in just about 3-4 hours time I would have my blood test taken. Let's hope my insomnia would not destruct the accuracy of the results. I am actually anxious, and anticipated.

I guess my biggest worry is not getting well, it is about the countless expensive procedures that I have to go through. Expensive is the key word, not countless. I don't want to be a burden to my family. Sometimes I just wish I could be healthy like anyone else, spending money on their favourite clothes, trying to lose weight because they can exercise with a healthy diet, having a flawless complexion to flaunt, many others that I am green-eyed of. Yes, cliches.

I break down real easily. I often cry in silence because I don't want my parents to know and worry more about me. I can handle myself. And when I'm out with my friends, I truly enjoy every single moment spent with them. I hold them dear to my heart.

Let's hope all these tiny monstrous cells stop haunting me again.

Anyway, I caught 'Sex and the City' already. The glamorous brands were captivating. The show makes you wanna make your entire room into a wardrobe full of LV, Gucci, Dior etc etc. It depicts very different lives of women above 40 in the city. I love the view of the City. It was really nice. And I guess that is part of the reason why I like to watch English movies. ;\

There I go again, I don't feel like going out to meet people anymore, except those that I am comfortable with.

Studies shall be my next best friend.

2008-05-26T23:52:00.004+08:00

I went out and had fun!

Usual catch ups with Liyun and Hannah. We watched 'Ironman' together and the technology was really cool. There wasn't really any impressing plots but the effects were really an entertainment to the eyes. Anyway, as usual, we chatted for hours. Talking nonsense. which I enjoy. haha. I'm looking forward to the next! ;DD

Hannah got into Architecture! I'm so happy for her, but to be truthful I would feel a little lonely but it's okayyyyyy because it wont take long before my turn comes (;

And she was saying we should go on a holiday after all of us get into university. and yes we shall.

((((;

2008-05-18T23:27:00.003+08:00

Wilma Glodean Rudolph (1940-1994) was born with polio at the age of 4. In addition, she battled polio together with scarlet fever and pneumonia. With great determination and endurance, she finally overcome her physical disabilities. By the time she was a teenager, she was an outstanding basketball player and was then spotted by Ed Temple, the coach for the famous Tigerbells, the women's track team at Tennessee State University. The coach knew she was a natural athlete. Against all odds, On September 7th, 1960, in Rome, Wilma became the first American woman to win 3 gold medals in the Olympics.

She is someone that I look up to. My sufferings are mediocre compared to hers. So everytime I feel down, I should just recall that I am not the worst. And if she can do something so great, so can I ((; so can everyone else, with perseverance.

Okay, on the lighter note, I watched 'Made of Honor' in GV Vivo Gold Class today! Oh my god. It was such an amazing experience. I promise I never want to step into a normal theatre agin. hahaha. It was quite a heartwarming show, together with the comfort gold class provided, it was heavenly. Serious! but the price of the tickets were a little expensive too ;\

I'm so tired. I think I'm going to bed now.

2008-05-18T00:44:00.002+08:00

I'm happy today. I bought a new expansion pack for The Sims 2 today - now I just have to learn how to partition my laptop. There are so many things I wanna do. But right now all that's hovering my mind is the upcoming blood test. As much as I want the results to be good, I want it to be bad too. For some reasons. Dr Alvin Hong was interviewed by the Straits Times on MM Lee's wife's case!

short post. nothing's going extremely bad or good either. mundane.

2008-05-10T21:45:00.003+08:00

I went down for a short run just now.

I could barely jog more than 1km. And it was just jogging. The bilateral compartment syndrome just won't go away on its own. Rashes broke out at the first trace of sweat on my thighs. I lost all motivation; even in studying. With a BLOOMED face and ugly body I could do nothing about.

It's incomprehensible why do I feel so lousy about myself. Why can't I brace myself up and challenge against the odds. It's psychological illness. I need a doctor. Doctor equates money. And I have none. Yet I am poor with pride, with dignity - So I am gonna move on being my own psychological doctor 'till someday I make my own mark.

I'm not gonna try to lose weight until the end of "A" levels - since I don't really have time for it and the odds are killing. So long as I stay within the healthy weight I don't really care right now.

I don't care about boys; anymore.

I just want my friends - true friends I hold dearly to my heart.

Thank you to those who have shown utmost concern. I am glad.

My table's a disaster:

2008-05-06T21:24:00.002+08:00

I'm finally taking a breather from all the notes that were trying to stall a place in my crammed head.

And I'm utterly tired. I don't know why but somehow I have a feeling that some people are deliberately being unkind to me. Some people I think that should not have this bias. But, whatever. My class girls have been fine, just that maybe I'm not as bubbly and cheerful as ever, I can feel my face's like a hamburger. Yet, I can't sweat. Did I mention that I went to see my skin doctor recently and although he assured that my chronic skin condition would not be permanent, but there is still a chance so.

Anyway, enough of my complaints. I learn to always count my blessings instead of what I'm missing.

However, it is always good to have motivation and goals in mind. I know people that have unknowingly trying to put me down but my focus is clear and I would work towards that focus. Trying hard still, to try to shirk away the negative thoughts whenever I face the mirror.

Anyway anyway, on the brighter note, I met up with the friends of my life recently and I was happy (;

It was Fish&Co with Liyun and Hannah, and was trying hard to study with Hannah before that @ Mos Burger - Gosh, her maths was awesome! - Good luck to you on your Architecture interview cum test! I'm sure you'll make it and get outta hell school life (; And then way back I met up with serina,liyan,liyun and huiqing also, we had newyork newyork and it was some girls catching up thing while serina killed a fly that was retarded(seriously 'cause serina's actions were really dreadfully slow - to kill a normal fly) on huiqing's bag. Oh, then I bumped into Cassandra like twice in this week. haha. We should really meet up soon.

I'm glad I made some really good friends during my secondary school times because it was really hard knowing someone well from jc. Or even click - needless to say being bosom friends.

No photos to share, my face looks like a balloon. And acne is bursting out. );

2008-04-20T16:14:00.002+08:00

GOD, school's driving me crazy.

I guess I'm never lucky. So okay, I'm not gonna depend on luck anymore. My peers got the best teachers yet - nevermind. The school is so particular about absenteeism. I am DOWN with DIARRHEA alright. You can't blame me for having a weak body. So in order to save $$ for the big operation(s) coming up, I bear the ache on my stomach to queue up in the polyclinic for 2 hours before I could even see the doctor. I promised I couldn't even sit up straight. Needless to say, stand. So could the teachers just give me some grace?

My goodness, I'm starting to miss my ex-teachers. SO SO bloody much. Again, I don't wanna have any feud with the current teachers. I just hope the fact that they know I have a medical condition and just give me some space and time for my own. Jesus.

I told the counsellor, if I had known ---

I'm all alone. Other than the lovely friends outside of school, the school is hell. It looks ugly. I don't know why education has amazingly achieved this. Or maybe it's just me. LIFE. F*ck it. It's worse than army.

I totally got no mood for GP lessons and assignments. Unlike the past. In which I looked back and smile.

2008-04-15T18:42:00.004+08:00

I was impressed by the movie. It talks about the history of England, although true to only a certain extent while other parts were mere dramatization. At least now I know how the birth and ruling of Queen Elizabeth came about. The movie also make one realises that sometimes human beings really go all out to achieve what they want. Just like how Mary Boleyn was accused of committed incest with her brother George Boleyn, which in the end she was executed for being charged guilty. Quite unfair, both the sister and brother died. Great visual literary work. I kinda like history.

I am desperately in need of a printer! )));

Got back my AC test paper. I laughed.

Everytime I feel lonely and down, I remind myself of the purpose I am coming back for. But I could just feel Cushing's back to haunt me. Whatever it is, I am prepared against all odds.

Gotta make an appointment with Dr. Ben Tan soon. I hope operation is really the last resort. But it isn't fair that I just keep growing because I can't exercise. I heard Lasik Surgery has the new technology of lasing or rather, correcting powered eyes to zero degree. Like, perfect eyesight. Gosh, I might really do it out of desperation to become a pilot. (After watching the inspiring Pearl Harbour hahaha). Omg, Danny was dashing!

I can almost feel the stress and the rush. And off I go now, hope I'd get some breather soon!

Victory belongs to those who believe it the most.

2008-04-12T21:48:00.004+08:00

Finally, you're off for some real guy training. I dread about not having someone for me to complain to, someone who accompanies me everywhere (including the favourite food), and losing a best friend. But it's okay! Because when you come out I know you're gonna be some hot tanned hunk! where girls come ogling...hahaha. Every guy's dream huh. ;P Don't be so noble and say no. LOL.

Anyway, I totally hate school. Hate some specific person there. Acting like a real sissy, the haunt of my school life currently. I'm not gonna be kind anymore, but I won't reveal who unless it is not obvious enough. So many things to do.. I heard PW results this yr was way better than our year, but it made all the As and Bs scorers of our year much more prestigious (;

Life's never fair. I didn't deserve to be in this position. The teachers won't come showing kindness just because I had "Cushing's Disease". Ya - I had a pituitary gland tumour operation. I was tired, I am tired. Facing all the stress besides academic pressure.

But I will still go through it. It won't be long before achieving it. (;

Anyway anyway, we went SUSHI TEI for his last DINNER on thursday, after we caught 'Definitely,maybe' (it wasn't gold class as we wanted) but the screen was still incredibly bigger than other theatres not in vivocity. Expectedly, I studied for the AC test on friday before I knew I was gonna spend the thursday night outside but the questions came out things I didn't study for. Or rather, I didn't understand. I ain't intelligent at all. ;\ Gotta do something about it before it gets too late.

The show was quite a good catch by the way, except that I was trying to hold my bladder the whole time because I didn't wanna miss any tiny bit of it. Don't really like the plot of the story, but okay la, I always liked the view of movies. Things that I can't experience in the outside world.

Some photos for the day:

Goodbye best friend*, I'm gonna miss you so much. Although you know, I know, we know that there is an invisible barrier between us that we can't contain nor remove, I wish you all the best and I would see you soon for our feasts again!

2008-04-05T15:26:00.004+08:00

I can't even freaking log into SMU's application page. So okay, done, I'm gonna shut my mind off the applications thinking and just concentrate on mugging. Gonna be labelled - "Rain - the unintelligent mugger". It's not always hard work that would pay off. But I'd try.

Exhausted. After 2 weeks of school. It's just 2 weeks and I'm already dying. Never knew it would be this hard, looking at faces that you've never seen before. And how much I missed seeing the faces I had for 2 years, no matter who. Those that I recognise, I miss.

Nothing much to blog about, I've been dreading about school. really.

2008-04-03T23:00:00.002+08:00

Okay, I've been ranting a lot about school. But someone told me this that struck me a lot: "firstly, was it a choice to come back to school?" It got me thinking, really. Yes, it was my choice to come back and firstly the school didn't have to give me the grace, to repeat. So I shall be grateful, and if I can't even cross this small hurdle in my life right now, I won't be able to for the bigger ones in future.

Anyway, my biggest aim is to excel. And I am not ashamed to share it.

People have been asking me why don't I PE. It is not I don't wanna PE, nor didn't I wanna compete and contribute to netball last year, but I truly cannot run. Yes, not even running barely 400 metres. My legs get so sore I promise one would just fall to the ground. I get green-eyed looking at others doing sports, seriously, since last year. But I guess little could understand my pain. I often get illnesses of little fame.

Nevertheless, I want a pair of running shoes. ;P

Haven't really started the drive for studying. Probably because I have not fully adapted to the new life, but I'm getting used to it. It's just a matter of getting used I realise. I get so stressed about facing people everyday that I eat so much. I don't even dare to weigh myself now, and the worst is, I can't exercise. My legs are much like paralyzed besides the ability to walk. So to some people who have been commenting that I am fat, please get the facts right that it's not I don't wanna exercise, it's I can't.

I can't help to say : sickening.

It's tired explaining the story over and over again. So my story gets shorter and shorter each time.

I didn't touch any books today after school. I think I need a break, sit down quietly, and think. carefully.

2008-03-26T02:49:00.002+08:00

I can't believe I'm sitting right infront of my laptop at this hour. I should be on my bed. Many things on my mind.. Such as defiance, teachers, students, ex-classmates (the ones I really miss now). I very much wouldn't wanna socialise and interact but I forced myself to. Dull, mundane, I feel like crying. I am SO alone. God.

Why didn't the school put more of the j2 repeats together, why must they separate us out so sparsely that I feel even more minute than a grain of unwanted sand, more miniature than an ant in others' eyes. especially to, arghhh, nvm. We gotta respect codes. TABOO. In my mind, I promise I was rolling my eyes. Whatever.

Ridiculous.

f*ck everything. I did not want that to happen.

Go ahead and call me fat. I don't really care right now. Your words are just pathetic passing harmless breeze to my face. (;

2008-03-18T23:33:00.004+08:00

I'm watching TRANSFORMERS with english subtitles(thank goodness) on my wall-mound 37" LCD tv - nice (; I guess I'm not going to movies anymore and just buy DVDs because they provide quality english subtitles which is like so important 'cause most of the time I don't understand their slang.

So this morning the school called me to inform about my successful application. And then I found out that all my classmates who applied were selected too (; Following I went to school to talk to the teachers, feel so relieved after a week of anticipation. However, the school seemed so bluey and dull. Saw the j1s already mugging, gosh. Then I recalled how I used to play when I was in j1 and just barely scraped through my promos.

BUT BUT...

I'm coming back strong ;D I couldn't care more about joining the current j2 class as an embarrassment. So long as I get my As. Mrs Wee told me to be careful the next time round writing essays. And so I will - I'm all ready! I don't freaking care whether its the horse year or dragon year anymore. ;\

I've gained like 2 kg again. OKAY I KNOW I WILL LOSE THE FATS OKAY JUST GIMME SOME TIME.

To my surprise, my cortisol level actually suppressed within the norm level. Because I really saw hair growing from my limbs and my face still feels puffy and heavy. Duh, just forget it and concentrate on studies right now. Although I know the feeling sucks of looking like f*ck and feeling lousy about myself.

Anyway thank you all those who have been showing concern. Loves you all!

2008-03-17T02:50:00.002+08:00

It seems like it has become a norm for me to sleep not earlier than 12am these days. Filling up my mind is all just about what am I gonna do if I don't get selected back to school, or even if I get selected back to school, how am I gonna embrace myself to the new life. The new repeated life, ironically. Nothing's going on too well.. I did the blood test and sugar level test on wednesday. Another painful poke. Dr Eng called up to say I don't have diabetes and my cortisol level has suppressed to 100 odd which is within the norm level.

But I do see hair growing out of my limbs.. just like the way they did. I don't know. Gonna repeat those tests again a few months later to make sure that the remaining cells remain - dead.

I don't really like living in this kinda anxiety and anticipation. God, I so wanna spend money and pamper myself a little. All too overly expensive when you anticipate you're gonna spend another lump sum just to get those painful pricks and needles inside your body. The kinda despair that you want to lose weight but maybe you can't because the bad cells are preventing you so. My skin allergy is getting worse. My leg muscles don't heal at all. I'm just waiting for my own doom. Without a lead of motivation in life.

Really, I wanna battle against these odds. To look good, to dare, to try.

Can't stop playing the video '4 in the morning - Gwen stefani'. She's so my favourite of all times. I wanna look like her! hahaha. pretty pretty!

2008-03-17T01:49:00.003+08:00

so alright, photos from yesterday.

dont they just make you hungry?

he's so charming when he sings ;P

fat shit.

did I mention I caught step up 2 midnight show? Not too bad.. but mediocre to step up 1. Nothing very fanciful except the last dance was quite awesome.

I'm still so worried..sigh.

2008-03-16T13:24:00.002+08:00

Headed town again yesterday. Had ajisen for dinner - never seem to get sick of it ((; Went to Indochine first time sitting in watchin my favourite sing ;D I requested for 'hotel california' but i guess he just got so sick of the song he didnt wanna sing again. hpmfs. nvm then. it was still a pleasure listening to his strong vocals.

Ate potato wedges at Indochine. Eating makes me feel better when I got stressed. Ahhhh. Okay, I know it's a bad habit. Call me a pig. It's so hard to resist food! )); sighsigh. there goes my diet dream.

However, now my only focus is to go back school, and get decent grades the second time round. I won't let anyone down this time.

Cant upload the pics for no good reason. Next time then.

2008-03-10T23:35:00.005+08:00

I slept at some wee hour at 5am this morning. Woke up at 1pm expectedly. Was drooling...haha. Again, expectedly since I should be exhausted from sleeping so early in the morning.

Anyway, sunday was visiting baby jewel. With ahma and mommy. She's so adorable ;D For some moments she made me forget all the woes and sorrows of my little world. But she's one skinny baby. I had some improvements with her, she actually let me carried her for a little while.. compared to sometime ago she just pushed me away while I tried getting close to her. She's just lovable.. now she knows how to call 'mama'. haha. Gonna love her like my own sister.

Then I came back home..worrying over if the school would agree to give me another chance. Worried...very. If I can go back, I promise, I'd battle against all odds, and get my As (;

Gonna make a trip down to the hospital to get some pills for tests again on wednesday. Gonna see Dr Eng. Fear of those eyes..that I didn't make it for a national exam. It seemed to me my whole world is revolving around grades. God, why has education become so unkind.

I'm wearing the same old clothes over and over again.. Don't feel like spending a single cent, if I can. Want to get slim but my legs and skin won't allow me to. 22nd March is another appt with Dr Leow. My life is full of doctors. But I have the will, to recover.

Oh. And I got a new haircut. Not too good, not too bad.

2008-03-09T22:32:00.002+08:00

Friday was disastrous. It was almost as if my whole world was gonna collapse. It actually didn't hit that badly at first (i don't know why maybe because I was mentally prepared for that kinda result), but it was just so hard to accept. Considering the fact that I have never gotten such bad results for a national exam before. Much less than getting a freaking U for GP. But, it was a blessing in disguise.

I already applied back to college to try another year. I broke down after an hour of being in a state of shock. Teachers saw, people consoled. But I guess they were never enough to heal the wounds. Afterall, it was me who let myself down.

Never felt this low before. No, maybe looking at the mirror is still the worst thing I have to face everyday. I wish I could look more presentable, I don't know how, seriously. I don't have the money to look good. The money has all been well spent on my operation fees. My family is broke, for goodness sake.

Yet now I have to fret over if the school would take me back. Doesn't seem much promising. I'm afraid, really, tired while seeing all your peers have moved on and I have not. I'm all alone.. Fighting this battle alone. Anxiety of weeks just don't help any better, but I can't help thinking and mulling over what would be the next step I would do if the school really doesn't want me back again.

And there, I am tired again. Repeating this whole dramatic cycle again.

2008-03-06T16:01:00.003+08:00

I don't very much wanna face the music. The cruelty of life. )); But oh well, I already made plans. It is just very disheartening to start all over again. The kinda eyes that would be set upon you as a 'private candidate', a 'retaker' and all sorts of names. The pressure that nobody is by my side helping, and I am standing alone. The thinking of those is killing. It made me irks those books.

Moodless for anything, everything. I'm sorry mom that I have to celebrate your birthday today and not tomorrow, because I know I can't bring myself to. So please pardon me, this year.

And to all who's concerned about my results: I'm sorry if I don't pick up your call tomorrow. I would stand up again, I know, just give me some time. Give me some courage. Don't ask me not to cry, because I get stronger after each time I tear. Afterall, I'm not that strong.

When I was hospitalized, it really didn't mean anything when you came down everyday. What mattered most was giving me courage,strength and motivation,
- which none of these happened.

Outsiders would not see as clearly as I do. And I believe, I made the right choice.

2008-03-03T23:58:00.003+08:00

So it is confirmed that results would be out this coming friday - 070308. This date marks one of the hardest hurdles I have to cross in life (perhaps not yet after I thought that Cushing's 05 was the hardest). Firstly, it is my mother's birthday. For goodness sake, perhaps life just wants to take me on a higher level of challenge. I really don't know how I could ever bring myself to break those any-parents-would-hate news to her. On that day, her very BIRTHDAY. damn.

The thought of it makes me cry. weep.

Anyway, I gave a treat to my parents at Pow Sing Chicken Rice @ Serangoon Gardens from my first paycheck. haha. It gave me a..sense of satisfaction ;DD I wished I could earn a lot of money next time to stop them from slogging their whole lives and enjoy, without worries.

I only have myself to blame...You - are a reminder of my mistake.

while waiting...

sometimes my dad can be quite mischievous ;\

my parents ;D

Life..

2008-02-29T02:27:00.003+08:00

Spent a great deal of money today. Didn't buy a lot of things, but they add up to some huge sum. Still, I can't find a wallet pouch to my liking. WALKED literally a lot, could feel the puffiness in my face again. The mirror is such a hazard.

While I strolled along the shops in town, can't find any nice clothes to fit my ugly body. ugly face. I wonder how did I go through A lvls with such thinking. When others were battling with good wealth and good health, I was recuperating, against the battle of loss of memory, anesthetic. I did not take any rest at all. I'm not finding any excuse for the iminent disgusting results I'm gonna get, but all I ask for is just another chance to excel.

But that's life, that's reality. Who is gonna help you? To fight for the right that you want?

I've been mulling over the release of results for way too long. Migraines are crawling over me. Anxiety is taking control over me. The thought of smiles on your friends' faces while tears have mastery over the contour of your eyes just sink you deeper than any valley.

I remember when I was down, you added on to my pain. Probably that's why I don't have trust in you now, prior to the recent things that have happened, I'm sorry, it was hard to believing and fall in love all over again. You are a great company, I need a true friend, not someone that is afraid of letting me know the truth. Even, when the truth, is awful; ugly. Anyway thanks still, for being by my side all these while when I needed someone.

ANYWAY, on the happier side, I met up with hannah & cassandra today (((; and I saw dearest ahyi too ;DD

I basically slacked for more than 6 hours in town waiting for the lil' princess (always so long, so thankful I had company, then went for a mini shopping at far east (because all the shops have closed when she reached at 9pm). Cassandra bought her heels and I bought mine (; Then it was hk cafe - SINFUL. It was funny - the TIKO manager. HAHAHA. Had to rush for the last train because there's no NRs on weekdays except fridays.

And now, I'm tired. I could be ever awake. Living in the dream I had..many years ago. Ruined by - Cushing's disease. - I hate you to the core.

dazed.

2008-02-27T10:28:00.003+08:00

Another week soon will pass.. Took my lovely cheque at the office on monday (((; BEAMS. After which hannah and I gave the badminton and marina square steamboat with the office people a miss. Instead, we went to meet up with Liyun for dinner @ Ichiban Sushi. Liyun seems to have every discount card at every restaurant lol. Feelin really bloated, we caught the movie 'L' together. The show wasn't fantastic, they did not specify how did they break the codes and etc. But all in all, it was still quite fascinating.

I just didnt stop gaining weight. One of the rare times I feel excited about the upcoming blood test on March Dr Eng scheduled me to. I cant wait. To know the results, to know that something will be done. To heal, to cure me. Although it's gonna spend another hefty sum again, I promise I'd work hard and earn those money back. When i'm cured. fully.

I'm famished! but dont wanna eat after weighin myself just 10 mins ago. Girlies, please date me out before my doom's day!

I seem not to know what to blog about these days anymore. Nothing very interestin is going on in my life. I ought to exercise, if my legs would allow.

Leena, the prettypretty girl!

triO~

Group: shahirah,julie,hannah,bashir,leena,FATTY ME!

The first time I went office - free&easy! ;DDD

2008-02-22T15:02:00.002+08:00

I've officially ended the 30 days contract. Feeling: extremely sublimely excitedddddd. I'm glad I met some good people out of the bunch of monsters (; Thank you - julie(juliana), shahirah, leena, bashir, kai heng, mingtai and of course hannah! You are the ones that brighten up my mundane and dull 30 days. It tickles my stomach when some other idiots who aren't happy with us resort to such childish means such as writing on a piece of paper 'NOT HAPPY COME FIND *******'. Childish.

Now, I have all the time in the world to blog. We've terminated the contract without extending the days because they were obviously bullying us. I'm so glad, so glad, I'm out of the league. 'A' levels results is still the most worrying issue at hand. I really dont wish to face it. I wish I could go back and be stronger.

It's really dampening my mood. arghhhh.

Just signed up Facebook. Okay, I know I'm lagging behind. So new to this, if it werent for jiejie who reminded me that day that I'm behind the trend I wouldn't even add Facebook ;P I'm new so please guide me along!

DULL.

2008-02-19T21:29:00.002+08:00

I've been havin' migraine ever since the day someone told me that a lvls results were gonna be released last friday. Insomnia..unbalanced diet..lazin..have all since been part of my ever-workin life. Takin it so hard because I haven't experienced a real failure before. The anxiety is killin' yet part of me dont wish to face the music..I really dont know what I will do.

Anyway, on the happier side, went over to ahyi's house last sunday.

Took quite a few photos which i forgot to bluetooth to my phone..I'm so glad i hav a bunch of carin relatives ;D just think that maybe i dont have many friends to confide in. true friends are always that hard to come by..

had a lot of fun workin with hannah, although she can be really clumsy and blur at times. ;\ we basically talked about 2 yrs of our lives in these 30 days. hahaha.

mahjong,anyone?

kinda sick of this blog skin already. sick of everything. sometimes i just wish i could sleep my days away..

2008-02-09T12:58:00.000+08:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO ALL!

Visited shu gong's house with jiayi,ahdear,ahsen and robin on sunday before headin down to town for relatives' shoppin spreeeeeee!(primarily for me and jiayi only) LOL. had sakae treat for dinner. yumyum ;DD

Went to ah ma house on the first day of chinese new year. Very crowded. Baby jewel came too! ;D Had been eatin a lot a lot. Especially with my fav food prawns, abalone etc etc. So so, expectedly, I gained weight! Nvm lor, after that will cut down ;x

Then went to san gu po house after visitin ah ma's house. Collected a handful of hongbaos. but it seems to lessen as the years go by... Hmm. but must be optimistic to take on the new year ahead. not really excited about what's gonna come in the new year ahead, but new resolution of mine is: CUSHING's, STOP FINDING ME.

some new year photos to end the post:

2008-02-02T23:20:00.000+08:00

I jus came back from da jiu's condo celebratin baby jewel's 1st bday. It was quite a huge gatherin from both sides' families. not forgettin jewel was the superstar of the day, she was so adorable (; besides the fact that i dont know how to carry a baby so when i carried her she almost cried. i think she felt uneasy. lol. luckily, she didnt cry. phew. or else i'd be deemed as the criminal of the day.

The food was tasty, got a lot of gifts back from da jiu's house. enjoyed overall. just that did not take a hell lotsa photos to upload. (because i need a lot of shots to get one good one from them). regretted not even takin one with the CU (missin Z). hahaha.

Anyway, some photos of the day:

Thats all for the day..off to get some rest! blog more tomorrow. ;\ maybe.

2008-02-01T21:22:00.000+08:00

Final day of work for the week. Work is gettin really tirin. Amidst the hustle and bustle is the anxiety of gettin back results.. I know I wont do well, just dont know how badly will I do.. Kinda regret why didnt I pull myself together.

Anyway, I am 2/3 done with the contract. Cant wait for it to end.. Came home and the first thin I hit is the bed. Papa's business aint doin well, he's thinkin of stoppin my only source of income from my parents now..since I am workin ;\ .I do understand that he's a little financially tight, but it's a bit strainin on me too..Save lor.

I have a confession to make....

I have another crush!

haha..therefore..adding to the list:

In first place:
Orlando Bloom!

He's stil my favourite after all..hahaha.

1st runner-up:
Edison chen!

then...my new crush....

.....

....

..

Ryan Seacrest!

If only.......ahahaha.sorry.just let me be dream once in a long long while..

2008-01-27T22:35:00.001+08:00

I just caught 'The Mist'. Weekends have been my movie days. It wasn't entirely a great show for the fact that it disgusted me with their graphics. And how powerful words can be, saw sacrifices in the most crucial and critical times that require unity. I would be in a total loss if I were in that situation also.. Disgustin creatures. yucks. lol.

Isn't in a happy mood. Needless to say about chinese new year. Dont feel like spending a single cent. On clothes, on food, on anything. I wanna save up for what is to come. Such as, failing a lvls so I need to spend on tuition fees on retakin, on the coming recurrence of my cushing's that I'm currently being watched because my cortisol level went up again. etc,etc..

I am a crybaby. I cant withstand pain so I cry. I cant resist emotional pain so I break down. I cant see my friends or my relatives cry without sharin the pain with them. But after each time I cry, after each tear I shed, I become stronger than I was before..so..just let me cry.

I have definitely no mood for anything. I'm sorry if I actually dampen your mood, I didnt mean it, I just am too sad for whatever that's happenin to me, and around me.

I wanna earn big bucks, please, god, just give me one more chance. I will make it.